70 Sketches

The Humor Institute of El Paso - Death

2007-05-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

This is kind of a wierd one. It started out from seeing Stranger than Fiction staring Emma Thompson and Will Ferrel. It was a fun enjoyable movie, that if you stop to think about forces you to consider death. That thing we are all going to do later on. So I started writing this, in response. I hit upon using the Humor Institute of El Paso (previously used to mock Ann Coulter, here, here, here and here. And the sketch largely wrote itself, being very old timey. I particularly enjoy the Joan of Arc sketch, which I find oddly comforting in a way. Gracie, referenced several times in the sketch, is intended to be Gracie Allen, partner to George Burns back in the day. I love the idea of Gracie Allen and Joan of Arc being friends. Also the first bit where she says "Yeah what was I thinking, was a reference to their lunch menu, not to her death. Finally the final line is the last words of a famous hollywood actor - any guesses who?

Narrator: (standing outside of institute, some sort of stripmall, preferably) "Good evening, I'm (insert name here) and I am speaking from the Humor Institute of El Paso. I am pleased to present another in a continuing series of films that attempts to answer the question; what is humor? What is funny? Tonight's subject? Death."

Man on the street: (film cuts to people asking the question) "What's so funny about Death?"

Other Man on the Street: "Why does death show up so often in comedies?"

Woman on the street: "Are comedians just morbid?"

Narrator: (Walking through cemetery) "Tonight we hope to answer these questions. But what is death after all? Is it a skeleton in a black robe, carrying a scythe?" (Shot of skeleton in a black robe, carrying a scythe, who waves expectantly at the camera) "Yes, this is one view of death. But death the personification has always struggled at comedy. He had his best venue in radio days, where his deeply timbered voice was perfect for a certain kind of dignified insanity. (still of Death in front of a microphone) "The onset of television, however, killed his comedic aspirations. He had a brief talk show in the 50s, but was cancelled very quickly. To this date it is considered the second worst talk show in television history, right after The Chevy Chase show."
(Clip from Death's Talk Show, black and white, minimalist set)

Death: (Walks out to applause) "Good evening lady and gentleman. Boy have we got a killer show tonight" (pauses for laughter, no laughter) "So earlier today I'm at the dentist. Doing my job, when this guy who's soul I'm there to collect starts foaming at the mouth. Literally foaming at the mouth. And I, like a dope, have to get involved. I lean in and all of a sudden I have foam all down my black robe. And it's the good black robe, you know. Not the nicest looking but the comfy one. So I says to the guy, I says "look pal. I wanted the news, not the weather." (Pauses for laughter, no laughter).

Narrator: "The show was a consistent failure, and his walk-on roles in several cheap comedies failed to win him any kind of audience." (More stills here, preferably one where he's photoshopped in behind Abbot and Costello). "Roles got harder and harder for this morbid comedian. He hit rock bottom in the 1960s, when he tried out for the part of Death in Woody Allen's Death Knocks." (Still of Death in a black turtleneck and grey suit) " Woody Allen described his performance as shticky, and the noted director went with a younger and more nimble comedian. Death hung up his cloak for good. Well, his comedic cloak; Death continues to perform his duty as a harvester of souls. "

Death: (Camera finds him sitting on a couch) "Do I miss the old days? Yeah, sure I do. I loved performing. But you have to accept that times change. Tastes change. I'm not going to do what I see so many other comedians doing and blame the audience for my failure to connect. The sad truth is that Careers die, just like anything else."

Narrator: "So the personification of Death, is, on the whole, not funny. But what about the experience of death?"

(Scene changes to be outside a haunted style house)

Narrator: "This is Glouscter Manor. Built in 1823 it has been haunted since 1824 when the architect, Mr. Neville Olster, was killed and buried in the basement."

Ghost: (dressed in old timey clothes) "It's really embarrassing actually. In my old business you had to be careful about how much gouging the customer is willing to handle. I misjudged the Earl of Bloodhoven, and he gutted me. Oh well, live and learn."

Narrator: "So what is it like being dead."

Ghost: "Oh it's bullocks - cooped up in this house all the time. And of course get a constant stream of looky-loos wandering through. And not proper ladies like yourself, but nasty sorts. Kids and mods and punks and what not. I try to keep up on the modern ideas, but it's very hard cooped up in this house."

Narrator: "Is it painful being dead?"

Ghost: "No more so than being alive I guess. That bit about being able to walk through walls is bullocks though. Nobody can walk through walls."

Narrator: "You can't walk through walls?"

Ghost: "You have to teleport to the other side. It's very tiring." (Thinks) "Oh and you can't drink when your dead. I miss drinking."

Narrator: "Do you see a lot of comedic possibilities in being a ghost?"

Ghost: "Oh yeah - great for practical jokers. You can do anything and not get caught. Terry over in the old Chricton place is great at that. Weeping tapestries and flying books and what not. I'm more into puns. Puns are just as good dead as they are alive."

Narrator: (voice over with Camera still on Olster) "Mr. Olster is correct of course, Puns are not funny, dead or alive." (in a green field with a blue sky) "Of course there are a variety of death experiences. We were also able to obtain an interview with Joan of Arc, who ascended to heaven in the year 1431."

Joan of Arc: (laughing, in a field - very green grass and blue skies very pretty looking, like a microsoft desktop) "Yeah what was I thinking? Oh - you want me to talk about heaven? Heaven's not bad. I mean the weather is great, and there's plenty of grass to run around in. Oh and it's clothing optional."

Narrator: "That can't be right."

Joan of Arc: "Oh yes, we are all in a state of innocense you see. Clothing means nothing to me. I rarely wear any - but they said this was going to be shown on national television so I had better put some on. I was going to borrow a tee from Gracie, but they said this peasant garb would be better? Where'd you get this anyway, a renaissance festival?"

Narrator: "Are you really Joan of Arc?"

Joan of Arc: "Yeah, kind of a disappointment I know. Look, I've been dead for 540 years. Did you really think I'd be exactly the same as when I died?" (Laughs) "Your lucky you didn't get Mary. She's what Gracie calls a firecracker, these days."

Narrator: "So do you enjoy heaven?"

Joan of Arc: "Yeah Heaven's pretty great. I mean this is kind of the sticks, but even this is great, isn't it? You get into the heavenly city and it's amazing." (Laughs) "It's heaven you know. What do you think it's like?"

Narrator: "But is being dead funny?"

Joan of Arc: (thinks) "I don't know - I suppose you think when you die that change is over. But even up here in heaven people grow and change. Since being in heaven I've learned to laugh. I never really laughed while alive." (Thinks) "But others become far more serious. Cleopatra, for example, is practically a nun these days. Sweet girl though." (Thinks some more) "Given enough time everything becomes possible. Even comedy. And we got all the time in the world up here."

Narrator: (Switching back to the set) "And images of Death? Most are the opposite of funny, although a few deaths are funny in an ironic way. And of course there are occasional cases of slapstick deaths, particularly in the films, that can be quite funny. But what of the reality of Death?"

Narrator: (camera pushes in to the face) "The reality of Death is this. Most people die before they are ready. Most people die when they still have things they want to do. Many people die alone, others die knowing those they love will suffer for their lose. Most death involves great pain, and after death we do not know what comes next. And it's going to happen to each one of us. I will die someday and so will you and there's no way to avoid it. You'd better believe that the reality of Death is funny."

Narrator: "Because each laugh is a way of cheating death. It's a way of telling the universe "Yeah I'm going to be dead for a hell of a lot longer than I am alive, but right here and right now I am alive. And I am alive enough to laugh in the face of Death. Laughing is a bit like being insane and a lot like being alive. And every laugh as a bit of light and joy in a dark and uncaring universe."

Narrator: (Camera switches to his or her other side as he or she turns) "And that's it for this week. From the Humor Institute of El Paso, I'm (insert name here), saying "I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis."

When Johnny Comes Marching Home

2007-04-24T16:05:00.000-07:00

This one has had a difficult birthing; all I am going to say about it is be careful not to assume that either of these characters is saying things I agree with.

A dirt with a fence next to it. Johnny in a soldiers uniform comes marching along it, sitting on the fence is Billy.

Billy - (looking up and seeing Johnny looking all proud of himself says flatly) "Hurrah. Hurrah"

Johnny - (bright and sunshiny) "Hey Billy. You hear to lead me into the reception?"

Billy - "Nah Johnny. I am the reception." (Seeing his face) "You want me to Hurrah again?"

Johnny - "What are you talking about? I'm marching home."

Billy - (A little but not much more enthusiastic) "Hurrah Hurrah"

Johnny - "Where are the men and boys and ladies? The song says they will all turn out."

Billy - "Well we've been waiting a good long time Johnny. Nobody knew the war would go on for so long."

Johnny - "But it's such a great song. It should have reminded you."

Billy - "Oh yeah sure it did. I always liked the bit about how we'll all be gay when Johnny comes marching home again."

Johnny - "You don't look very gay."

Billy - (hopping off the fence) "I'm bursting with gayness. That's my job. I'm the designated hurrah-er"

Johnny - "What?"

Billy - "Well it's like this Johnny. We are all goddamned sick of that song. It was great back in the day, but now it just doesn't suit our needs. But the town felt we owed it to you to live up to it. So I get five pennies and a chicken every week to sit here and watch for you to come back."

Johnny - "So you can go and get the rest of the town?"

Billy - "Well early on, sure. But now they think that it's enough just to have me hurrah."

Johnny - "What?"

Billy - "Well there's the big corn dance next week, and frankly everybody is busy learning and playing the songs of Stephen Foster."

Johnny - "You are confusing me. Isn't this way supposed to be strewn with roses by the village lads and lasses."

Billy - "Um. They blew away?"

Johnny - "What? There's hardly a breeze."

Billy - "Honesty forces me to point out that they spread the roses a year and a half ago."

Johnny - "Well that's a waste isn't it. And what about my three times three."

Billy - "What?"

Johnny - "The song. You are supposed to give me three times three. It's in the third verse."

Billy - "I guess we never made it that far."

Johnny - "It's in the song. Listen." (Sings third verse of When Johnny Comes Marching Home).

Get ready for the Jubilee,
Hurrah! Hurrah!
We'll give the hero three times three,
Hurrah! Hurrah!
The laurel wreath is ready now
To place upon his loyal brow
And we'll all feel gay when Johnny comes marching home.

Billy - "I never heard that part."

Johnny - "Well were's my three times three."

Billy - "I don't know what that is - I don't know how to give that to you. Three times three what?"

Johnny - "Lasses?"

Billy - "If I had nine lasses I could probably give you one or two. To borrow. Alas, the life of a designated hurrah-er has not afforded me much time to court the lasses."

Johnny - "I've been away for three years. I nearly starved outside of Atlanta."

Billy - "Sounds rough."

Johnny - "I deserve more than just a few hurrahs."

Billy - (shrugs) "Yeah, probably."

Johnny - "I deserve a hero's return."

Billy - "You weren't a hero, Johnny. You were a soldier."

Johnny - "I was a hero."

Billy - "In order to be a hero people have to see you being heroic."

Johnny - "That's not true."

Billy - "Sure it is. Being a hero means being someone other people look up to you. But Johnny we just don't want to hear about you starving outside of Atlanta. Frankly it sounds depressing."

Johnny - "But that's why I went. I wanted to be a hero."

Billy - "Well that was stupid. You should have stayed here and got a cat out of a tree or something."

Johnny - "But . . . what do I do."

Billy - "Get a job or start a farm or something I guess. Don't bother trying to become the designated hurrah-er. I got that job sewed up." (Looks at Johnny kindly) "Come on. Let's get you back into town."

Johnny - (following Billy, saying plaintively) "Well what about my laurel wreath."

Billy - (shaking his head as they walk off stage) "Sorry mate. You were lucky to get the hurrahs."

Feetless

2007-04-12T15:43:00.000-07:00

This is a humble sketch; brief, basically one joke, in and out. I wanted to make it longer, but couldn't make it longer without stretching the rather simple (and probably banal) idea long enough that the joke would get lost.

Guy - (dude walks into the room, whistling or humming, guy looks up annoyed) "What are you so happy about?"

Dude - (sits down on the couch) "I got the world's greatest idea today. Gonna make me a mint!"

Guy - "Oh?" (Smirks)

Dude - "Get this. Footless Shoe Stores."

Guy - "Footless."

Dude - "Right."

Guy - "Shoe Stores."

Dude - "Right. It's brilliant."

Guy - "Targeting a pretty small demographic there, aren't you?"

Dude - "What do you mean?"

Guy - "Well the percentage of footless people who need shoes has to be . . . well, none?"

Dude - "It's not for footless people. It's for people who have less on their feet."

Guy - "Oh."

Dude - "It'd be stupid to sell shoes to footless people."

Guy - "I guess I can't argue with that."

Dude - "I want to sell shoes to people who have less on their feet. Maybe I should go with Feetless Shoe Stores."

Guy - "Wouldn't you have the same problem?"

Dude - "Nah - nobody talks about feetless people. It's not even a real word."

Guy - "But it sounds just like footless - people are going to assume."

Dude - "See you are thinking that way because you already have the term footless in your brain - you are connecting the two - but the two really have nothing in common."

Guy - "I don't know - footless, feetless. They sound the same thing."

Dude - "But they aren't. They are totally different. Footless means guys who have no feet. Feetless means guys who have less on their feet."

Guy - "I don't think that's how it works."

Dude - "Look I just made the word feetless up. It can mean whatever I want it to mean!"

Guy - "It doesn't work that way. Footless and feetless even look the same - you put it up on a billboard people driving up are going to see the round e's and assume they are o's"

Dude - "I won't put it on a billboard; who said anything about billboards."

Guy - "And anyway I don't see how this is gong to be a million dollar idea. There's already footlocker and payless and a million shoe stores."

Dude - "This is totally different. I'm going to have a cappuccino machine."

Guy - "Oh - for the customers?"

Dude - "No."

Guy - "Than why would you want a cappuccino machine."

Dude - "Have you ever had a cappuccino? They're delicious. Best coffee in the world."

Guy - "I guess what I'm having a hard time seeing is how you having a cappuccino is going to make this shoe store successful."

Dude - "I'll be happy right. A happy employee is a productive employee."

Guy - "Yeah but you'll be the employer."

Dude - "What?"

Guy - "It'll be your shoe shop right? You'll be running it - as the boss."

Dude - "Well it's probably the same."

Guy - "I don't think so. Nobody ever says a happy employer is a productive employer."

Dude - "I don't see why it wouldn't be the same."

Guy - "The only way it's the same is if the boss is ripping off the company. But everybody is happy ripping off the company. Those guys at Enron were practically ecstatic until they went to jail."

Dude - "Well those guys just got greedy. When I rip off the company I'll be much more discrete than those guys."

Guy - "So you are planning on ripping the shoe store off."

Dude - "Well yeah. But not much. I won't get too greedy."

Guy - "And who's going to own the shoe store again?"

Dude - "I am."

Guy - "Well it is comforting, I suppose, to know that you don't intend to steal that much from yourself. I guess that cappuccino machine really will come in handy."

Dude - (satisfied smile) "Yeah. Wait, why?"

Guy - "Well when you are ripping yourself off you won't want to drive yourself out of business and lose the cappuccino machine."

Dude - "I'm not going to rip myself out."

Guy - "Think it through for a moment."

Dude - "Oh. Well I haven't worked out all the kinks yet. But don't forget about my killer name."

Guy - "Yeah. All the feetless guys in town will come in. You'll corner the market."

Dude - (slumps down on the couch) "Damn. I really wanted a cappuccino machine."

Your Host

2007-04-06T12:21:00.000-07:00

That's also a picture of my car.

Costume Shop Sketch

2007-04-03T16:14:00.001-07:00

I'm not entirely confident in this sketch; I don't think I nailed it. But there are some funny lines.

(Back doors in a costume shop. Joe is sitting reading the paper, Mike walks in.)

Joe: (looks up) "Sup?"

Mike: (Walks over to costume rack, and fiddles with it) "Josephine called in sick."

Joe: (looking back at his paper) "That sucks. Wasn't it her night to do the street corner thing?"

Mike: "Yep Looks like we will need a back up."

Joe: (very intently looking at his paper) "Who's doing it?"

Mike: "Take a guess."

Joe: (folding down paper aggressively) "Come on man. I did it Tuesday. I hate wearing a costume."

Mike: "It brings customers. We need customers."

Joe: "Sammy said that somebody threw a beer bottle at her on Saturday."

Mike: "So drunken frat boys are nothing new, and she shouldn't have been out there that late. I told her that it's over when the sun starts going down."

Joe: "Yeah yeah yeah. You also say we gotta stay out there till we get 25 sign ups."

Mike: "So do that before the sun goes down."

Joe: "So what am I wearing?"

Mike: (turns around with a snow white costume (or something else suitably girly)), "Well this is what Josephine was going to wear."

Joe: (I shouldn't have to tell you to put in a reaction beat here) "Oh hell no."

Mike: "It's a big seller. Girls of all ages want to be princesses."

Joe: "You think seeing me in that costume is going to inspire them?"

Mike: "Look we are in the illusion business. The type of people who buy costumes, they are imaginative. A girl sees you in this and she'll imagine herself in it."

Joe: "There's not enough imagination in the world."

Mike: "Sure there is."

Joe: "What about the Gorilla suit?"

Mike: "You hate the Gorilla suit. You are always complaining about how itchy it is."

Joe: "I"d rather be itchy than wear that."

Mike: "You'd rather be an itchy gorilla than a woman? (pause) What's wrong with women?"

Joe: "Nothings wrong with women. Women are great."

Mike: "You just think it would be embarrassing to be one?"

Joe: "I just . . . I wouldn't make a very good one."

Mike: "You think that Sammy looks good in the Wall Street costume?"

Joe: (thinks a moment) "Damn good actually. She's got that whole Dietrich in pinstripes thing going for her."

Mike: "Bad example. What about when Joe wears the gorilla suit."

Joe: "Nobody looks good in a gorilla suit."

Mike: "I don't know. Maybe Trump would look good in one."

Joe: (laughing) "Could only be an improvement in his case. But he's exception that proves the rule."

Mike: "Well Joe dresses up as a cowboy sometimes too. There aren't any girl cowboys."

Joe: "I saw Gunslinger."

Mike: "The exception that proves the rule."

Joe: "Hey I just said that."

Mike: "Nevertheless."

Joe: "Look it's just different. A Lady Cowboy looks sexy. A Guy Princess looks like a dink. That's just the way it is."

Mike: "So? Anyway, like I said, people who buy costumes will imagine themselves in them, not see you."

Joe: "No they won't. The image of a guy in that costume is too overwhelming." (Looking at the costume) "Can I even fit in this?"

Mike: "Sure. It's mad of some super stretchy space age fabric."

Joe: "We sure have a lot of stuff from the space age considering we've never been there."

Mike: "You've been looking at the internet again, haven't you?"

Joe: "There's this guy who says the Moon Landing was faked in an abandoned Orange Warehouse in central Florida. Had pictures of everything?"

Mike: "Pictures eh? What did it look like."

Joe: "Well an orange warehouse. He didn't get inside."

Mike: (shakes head) "Whatever. This is your job today. Get out there and princess it up."

Joe: "Look this isn't going to sell costumes."

Mike: "You'll get eyeballs. Eyeballs are important"

Joe: "I don't want eyeballs when I'm wearing this outfit."

Mike: "Eyeballs are always good. There's no such thing as bad publicity."

Joe: "You got any other cliches you want to spring on me? I guess I'm lucky you aren't ripping off my lines."

Mike: "Look it's true."

Joe: "A penny earned is a penny saved, maybe?"

Mike:"It goes the other way."

Joe: "What a coincidence. I'm going the other way too!"

Mike: "Oh no you're not. You have a job to do Mister."

Joe: "And yet somehow here I go. I guess a stitch in Time really does make nine."

Mike: "What does that that have to do with anything; you're not making any sense."

Joe: (walking out) "And yet you can't teach an old dog new trips."

Mike: "I didn't want to have to do this, but you know we got a camera in here right?"

Joe: (turns around) "What?"

Mike: (folds arms) "Let's just say I don't have any worries about the costume fitting you."

Joe: "Damn. That's just cold."

Mike: "What was that, Princess?"

Joe: (takes the costume) "Not a word."

Mike: "Of course not, beautiful." (Walks out).

Joe: (shakes head). "Damn Video Cameras." (Looks around) "Hey, wait, there aren't any video cameras!" (Exits speedily).

Building Contractors

2007-03-26T16:45:00.000-07:00

This is a wierd sketch and one I'm not sure I'm 100% comfortable with. It's got some very funny lines, but I'm not exactly sure who I think I'm making fun of here. Still I love the suggestion that God watches sparrows fall because he's got obsessive-compulsive condition.

Two guys sitting on a girder eating lunch

Luis - "So Frankie you wanna go bowling this Sunday?"

Frankie - "Nah Im going to church."

Luis - "Hey hey hey I never figured you for no church boy."

Frankie - "Well I'm thinking ahead Luis. You seen those pictures of heaven?"

Luis - "Yeah . . . yeah all cloudy and stuff? With harps. I've seen those pictures. At Sunday School I think."

Frankie - "Yeah but you don't see nothing but clouds."

Luis - "So - why you wanna go there?"

Frankie - "Use your head, Luis. Think about how much those people would like a bunch of duplexes. Some of them nice duplexes we did out in Sherman Oaks."

Luis - "I don't know Frankie - people seem to like the clouds."

Frankie - "Geez Luis. People lived in caves for thousands of years - didn't mean they like it."

Luis - "Well they look comfy to me - anyway it's not like you have to worry about rain in heaven. Cause you are on top of the clouds."

Frankie - "And I suppose that's the sort of thing them heaven folks enjoy, having their feet get all wet every time it starts to rain."

Luis - (pause) - "You gotta point there."

Frankie - "That's right so I get up there and start building a bunch of duplexes and the sky's the limit."

Luis (thinking) - "You know sometimes you see pillars there."

Frankie - "Pillars"

Luis - "Like columns - like they have down at the courthouse."

Frankie - "Yeah but they aren't holding anything up are they?"

Luis - "I don't know. I don't think so."

Frankie - "That's what you call a triumph of form over function."

Luis - "What?"

Frankie - "It means it looks good but isn't good for anything - it doesn't do anything."

Luis - "Ah. Like Ramone."

Frankie - (laughing) "Yeah. Just like Ramone. But Ramone being useless is Ramone's fault. Them columns is God's fault."

Luis - "Ah you shouldn't be talking about God that way if you want to go to heaven."

Frankie - "I'm straight with people Frankie. I'm gonna be straight with God."

Luis - "Yeah, but you aren't trying to get into heaven with most people."

Frankie - "Hell you think God isn't used to people brown nosing him all day? He's probably sick of it. He'd probably prefer people to be honest with him. Give him some constructive criticism."

Luis - "I don't know if God is really all that into being criticized."

Frankie - "What?"

Luis - "Anyway, what if he don't like this - I mean what if he likes the clouds?"

Frankie - "Oh I'm sure we can work something out. God's very busy making butterflies flap their wings and watching sparrows fall."

Luis - "Watching Sparrows fall?"

Frankie - "Yeah every time a sparrow falls, Gods gotta watch it. It's like he has obsessive compulsive disease."

Luis - "Oh like Joey's kid."

Frankie - "Yeah - but there's a lot of damn sparrows out there - so that keeps him pretty busy I bet. That's why he hasn't remembered he invented the two by four and could build something better than clouds. So I'll remind him."

Luis - "Maybe he won't like being reminded."

Frankie - "You kidding - he'll probably be grateful. He might even make me, like, associate God or something."

Luis - "Associate God Frankie?"

Frankie - "I can very regal when I want to be."

Luis - "Yeah. I guess you got all the angles worked."

Frankie - "Hey you gotta be smart in this business."

Luis - "So you are going to Church to get to heaven so you can make money up there?""

Frankie - "Yep. Well I don't know if they have money up there."

Luis - "Well maybe you could tell God about that too, while you are reminding him about the two by four."

Frankie - "I don't know. I think God knows about money."

Luis - "Yeah?"

Frankie -"Well the Pastor was talking about how Jesus got pissed at the money changers in the temple. I'll bet when he went up to heaven he told God all about money."

Luis - "Tough break for you."

Frankie - "Yeah, particularly since Jesus seemed like he was kind of down on money. Still he did let a tax collector in as one of his disciples."

Luis - "Really?"

Frankie - "Yeah the tax guy was in his office taking money, Jesus walked up and said to follow him and the tax man just went."

Luis - "Maybe he had a tough costumer? When I worked at the DMV last winter, there were times when if the devil himself had walked in I would have gone with him. Stupid customers."

Frankie - "Bite your tongue Frankie. You never know when the Devil might take you up on that. Anyway we gotta get back to work."

Luis - "Come on Frankie, ten more minutes."

Frankie - (Shakes his head) "Nah, now that I'm trying to get on God's good side, I gotta be a stickler! The pastor said that God don't like slackers." (Frankie walks off).

Luis (thinks a moment) "Eh. God's probably watching sparrows anyway."

Robbery

2006-12-07T12:48:00.000-08:00

This was a fun one to write for the most part, and like the Lemur Sketch, it's very Monty Python like in my head. In particular I picture the first Teller as being a lot like that British Girl in those gum commercials - unflappable. There is an old timey sensibility to the whole thing I guess with the female bank tellers and stereotypical bank president. The kernel of this sketch (the idea of a reverse Bank Robber, was suggested by Mike a friend of mine and a very funny fellow. He could play the robber quite well. Enjoy.

(A Bank Scene; two tellers, a bank president behind his desk, sleeping security guard and two customers, and the robber in line - he's wearing a trench coat).

Teller - "And 5 makes 25. Have a nice day Ms. Applegate." (The customer turns around and walks out.) "Next please"

Robber - (steps forward, and leans in) "I'm carrying a gun. I have some money I want to give you."

Teller - (confused) "Is this a robbery?"

Robber - "Call it whatever you like. I have a gun that says your taking this money see." (Puts a bag of money on the counter.)

Teller - "This is very irregular."

Robber - "Well Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson say that you'd better make it regular."

Teller - "Smith and Wesson? Do they still make guns?"

Robber - (pulls gun out of his pocket) "Look right here on the barrel."

Teller - "Well I'll be damned. You learn something everyday I guess."

Teller 2 - "A gun. He has a gun."

Teller - "It's alright Millie - he was just showing me the markings on his firearm. Did you know that Smith and Wesson still make guns?"

Teller 2 - "Do tell. Can I see?"

Robber (holds up the gun) - "Now are you going to take my money or do I have to get rough?"

Teller - "Well do you have a deposit slip?"

Robber - "Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson say I don't need a ransom slip."

Teller - "You already used that one."

Robber - "What?"

Teller - "You can't use the same threat twice - it loses it's meaning."

Robber - "That's . . . that's just an old wives tale."

Teller - "No it's true. You need another threat. Something like" (mimes being a robber) "Give me some money or I'll give you a bullet."

Teller 2 - "No that wouldn't fit - because he's saying he doesn't need a deposit slip. Maybe something like I don't need no stinking Deposit slip." (Slips into silly Mexican accent for last bit).

Teller - "Oh I like that one. That's from a film I think."

Teller 2 - "Probably. How about that Mr. Robber man?"

Robber - "Yeah that works. I don't need no stinking deposit slip."

Teller - "Well without a deposit slip I don't know which account to put it in."

Robber - "I don't got no account. I just want you to take my stinking money."

Teller - "Careful there. No repetition. But sir, without an account how will know to give you your money back?"

Robber - "I have a very memorable face."

Teller - "Oh I'm sure you do. That's quite a bonus in the robbery line isn't it?"

Robber - (thinking a moment) "It helps to have an edge."

Teller - "At any rate, sir, we see hundreds of people each day. You face might be very memorable, but I don't want you to take the chance that we could forget."

Robber - "I don't want an account. I'm like a ninja - I don't want to leave any trace of my existence."

Teller - (sighs) "Yes you are exactly like a ninja who attacks in broad daylight with no mask on. I'm afraid I'll have to get my manager to handle your case sir. One second." (Turns and walks back to the managers desk they confer a moment. He stands up and comes to the counter).

Manager - "So what seems to be the problem, Mr. Robertson?"

Robber - "My names not Robertson."

Manager - (to Teller) "You said his name was Robertson."

Teller - "No I said he was a Robber man, or that's what Millie was calling him"

Manager - (back to Robber) "Robberman, eh? That's a Dutch name unless I miss my guess. I have quite a knack for languages. At any rate, Ms. Coalfield is right. It's our policy not to hold money except in our accounts."

Robber - "Well Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson say you'd better change that policy."

Teller 2 - "Hey!"

Teller - "No it's ok Millie. Because he's using it on a new person."

Teller 2 - "But we can still hear it."

Teller - "Yes but we aren't the targets of his intimidation attempt. Mr. Brownfield is."

Teller 2 - "I still think it's lazy."

Robber - "Well it's very hard coming up with new material."

Teller 2 - "You should have been working on this before you came in here. Have some stuff worked up."

Manager - "Excuse me. Are you threatening us."

Robber - "Yes. I have a gun."

Teller - "He does Mr. Brownfield. He showed it to Millie and me before."

Manager - "And you want to give us money?"

Robber - "Yes. This sack of money. Take it!"

Manager - (confused) "Will you want it back later?"

Robber - "Maybe. Maybe not. Chew on that Mr. Brownfield."

Manager - "OK. Well I think we can take your money."

Teller - "But how will we deposit it on our system."

Manager - "Use account number 4122933."

Teller - "Mr. Brownfield. Are you sure you want us to use that account."

Manager - "Yes I think so. That way we have it our records and Mr. Robberman can get it whenever he wants."

Teller - "But that's your account."

Manager - "Well that way I can keep an eye on it"

Teller - "Oh yes. Good thinking sir."

Manager - "I thought you would understand."

Robber - "What? Are you gonna take my money or am I going to have to get physical."

Teller - "There's no call for that Mr. Robberman we are certainly intimidated enough - we are going to take your money, and we aren't even going to give you a deposit slip."

Robber - "You'd better not." (Pushes bag of money across counter) "Now I'll just be on my way, and don't try following me." (Backs out sneakily then runs away).

Teller - (opens the bag, laughs) "There might be less paperwork than I thought there would be." (Dumping bag out on the counter - it's monopoly money).

Manager - "Son of a . . ."

Teller - "Sir! This is a family sketch!"

Manager - "Oh . . . yeah. Throw that . . . money in the vault, and we'll forget the whole thing ever happened." (walks back to desk and puts his head down, Teller 1 picks up the money laughing to herself )

Comments Change

2006-12-06T19:14:00.000-08:00

I switched from using Blogger comments, to using Haloscan comments to make it easier for people to leave comments, should they be so inclined.

Sketchy Cooking - Corn and Bacon Dip

2006-12-04T12:31:00.000-08:00

My most successful recipe yet (from page 237 if you are playing along at home).

It's simple. You take 8 oz of bacon and cook it till it's crispy stopping before it's burned (I got the crispy part right in my attempt, but not so much the non burned part). You then take two ears of corn cut the kernals off and boil them for 10 minutes. Pulse them with one clove of garlic, along with some pepper, salt, and whatever else you would like, in a blender until they get nice and pulsed, then drop 8 oz of Cream Cheese in and pulse some more. Finish off with the bacon - putting most in, and some on the top.

The recipe was very good with crackers, and had some staying power as well. You could make it and snack on it over the weekend, or take it with some crackers and a butter knife to a party. You'll be the belle of the ball. Maybe.

The Laziest Man in Hollywood

2006-11-30T18:53:00.000-08:00

I like this one ok, but I wasted some time trying to figure out how to stretch it. It's a very simple idea that's pretty funny in and of itself, but it didn't lend itself to much length. This could work, trimmed down a little, as part of a weekend update sketch.

Announcer. "Good afternoon. For a long time we have heard James Brown claiming to be the hardest working man in show business, and we have no reason to doubt him. But if he's the hardest working man in show business, the question presents itself - who is the laziest working man in show business? We considered hundreds of musicians, singers, artists, actors, directors, dancers and grips to find the laziest man in show business. After considering dozens, we have settled on Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin, Jr., better known as Charlie Chaplin, the lovable tramp. (Short clip from Modern Times or The Great dictator).

(Scene shoots to graveyard). "Yes, since 1977 Mr. Chaplin has not entertained a single person. Compare that to Elvis Presley, who also died in 1977, but who continues to personally appear to fans and in limited engagements.

(Scene in park with a Chaplin impersonator) "In contrast, Charlie Chaplin relies solely his many impersonators. Yes, some of you might believe that this is Charlie Chaplin, but it is not. In fact this is Milton Marstoff who, 5 days a week, works as a claims adjustor. But, to make ends meet, on the weekends and for parties, he puts on this outfit, adjusts his little mustache, and puts on a show. And yet Mr. Marstoff has never even met Charlie Chaplin, who seems to think it beneath him to meet with a double. And, frankly, Mr. Marstoff could really use some tips. His delivery is hackneyed and weak, and his double takes more like 1.2 takes.

(Back to standing set) "The use of doubles is nothing new. Tom Hanks hasn't performed in public or on film since 1993 (shots of Tom Hanks, natch). But Mr. Hanks keeps in constant contact with his double, a Mister Jacob Lyster, and has taken him to eat at Red Lobster on more than one occasion. Charlie Chaplin takes no such pains, but simply stays in his coffin.

(back at graveyard). "In fact Mr. Chaplin even refused to appear in this segment honoring him, prefering the icy embrace of death to a moment of publicity. Charlie Chaplin is truely a great actor and a brilliant director. He is a transcendent comedian. But he is also the laziest man in Hollywood!"

Sketchy Cooking - Cheese Fritters and Pork Goyozu Dumplings

2006-11-30T12:27:00.000-08:00

Time for another installment of sketchy cooking, where, as previously discussed, I am working my way through 10 recipes in The Essential Fingerfood Cookbook.

Our first recipe are Cheese Fritters from the Antipasto Section (if you have the book (which I got for like $10.00 at Borders) it's on page 24). Essentially you take some Mozerella Cheese and Feta Cheese cover it in flour, than eggs, then breadcrumbs. Let it sit for an hour in the fridge (or half hour maybe), then deep fry them. I thought they were ok, but think I will remake them. For one thing I'm not a big fan of Feta Cheese. It's ok in salads and as part of larger recipes, but not very good where it's the star of the show, in my opinon. And the recipee called for them to be made into cubes, which frankly weren't ideal. I think cutting the Mozerella into strips would be better, because then you could dip it into some sort of italian sauce. I made these on my own, so no comments from Caleb.

Our second recipe is for Pork Goyozu Dumplings, from the Eastern Appetizers section (Page 148). First of all I made them with Ground Beef because I couldn't find Ground Pork at publix (except as part of a meatloaf pack, which I considered briefly). Secondly I used Wonton Wrappers rather than Goyozu Wrappers - Goyozu wrappers are round, and the Wontons were square. There might be other differences as well.

They are very labor intesive - although having a dumpling press would make it quicker the book claims. Not by much I say. You take the meat mixture, put it in the wrapper, seal it up, steam them for 10 minutes, then fry them on one side for 2 minutes. Then they are done. I found them a bit bland, but Caleb seemed to really enjoy them. I liked them in a bit of soy sauce, and they might taste good with other sauces as well. I am going to get my hands on some actual Goyozu wrappers if I can and try again, at any rate.

And that's another episode of Sketchy Cooking. Tune in next time when we move from the east to the south (of the border).

Artichokes

2006-11-27T13:04:00.000-08:00

This is not my strongest sketch (the best thing about it might be "Flaming Granola Bar-B-Que Sauce." It was one of my first ideas, inspired in part by the Fred Rated commercials that were popular when I was a kid. I found those commercials endlessly amusing and fascinating. Anyway, for what it's worth I see the Agent and Advertiser as woman, but in a rarity, I specifically made the Actor male probably because Fred Rated is male.

(Scene opens, person sits at desks, two more enter a person and a guy - the guy slumps down in his chair expressionless)

Advertiser - (stands up and shakes agents hand) "I'm glad you could come - we have a little problem."

Agent - (shakes hand brightly) "Well solving problems is my middle name. Well middle names, I guess. But as I said on the phone I warned you that Michael can be inconsistent."

Advertiser - (sits down) "Inconsistent? I'd be glad for inconsistent. He's comotouse."

Agent - (sitting down) "Oh come on, that's going a bit far don't you think?"

Advertiser - "A block of wood would perform better than your boy here."

Agent - "Now really. He killed in that artichoke commercial."

Advertiser - "Well I wish I were selling some artichokes. But I'm selling Bar-b-que sauce."

Actor - (flatly) "I like artichokes."

Agent - "You see it's all about enthusiasm."

Advertiser - "Yes but when I'm paying him to get enthusiastic, I don't expect to have to wait around for the enthusiasm to show up. Check this out." (starts video sequence)

Actor - (holding up bottle of Flaming Granola Bar B Que Sauce, speaking flatly, even robotically). "Hello - this is Flaming Granola Bar B Que sauce. I haven't had any but I'm told it's very good by people who like Bar B. Que Sauce. If you like Bar B Que sauce maybe you would like Flaming Granola Bar B Que Sauce. Try it, won't you?" (Ad ends - camera work in ad is a staid one shot, with a dull push in on the last line).

(Pause, as the advertiser tuns off screen and turns back to face the Actor and Agent)

Agent - "I think I see what the problem is."

Advertiser - "You do? Gosh tell me."

Agent - "I think he doesn't like bar-b-que sauce."

Actor - (Vaguely) "Bar-b-que sauce and artichokes don't go together."

Agent - "Do you know of any recipes that you could make with artichokes and that Flaming Bar-B-Que sauce?"

Advertiser - "What?"

Agent - "Well he likes artichokes."

Actor - (Nodding sleepily) "I like Artichokes."

Agent - "Apparently." (Turns to video again) "I happen to have your boys Artichoke commercial here. Let's run it, just to remember what he is capable of."

Actor - (Video shows actor bouncing around a set literally hopping up and down with an artichoke in each hand, yelling) "Artichokes artichokes artichokes Artichokes Artichokes!" (Camera does a push in) "Go get artichokes. Get artichokes now. Get artichokes now! Artichokes, Artichokes!" (cut to him standing somewhere else, saying quietly and maniacally "Artichokes are life. Not artichokes are not life. Artichokes." (another cut to him bouncing again) "Buy Artichokes today. Now!" (More normal voice coming on) "paid for by the Artichoke growers of America."

(Advertiser shuts of the TV and turns back to face Actor and Agent)

Actor - (smiling dreamily) "Artichokes"

Agent - (Matter of fact) "So just come up with something that includes both artichokes and bar-b-que sauce and you'll be all set."

Advertiser (long stare) "I'm curious - what do you plan to do if he ever has to sell soap? Or a car say?"

Agent - (pause) "Well he could eat some artichokes in the car maybe (shakes head) we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

Advertiser - "Does he like anything but artichokes?"

Actor - (smiles) "I like heroin. Do you sell heroin?"

Agent - "He's a little focused, I'll admit. But we can work with that."

Advertiser - "Did he just say heroin?"

Agent - "I'm sure he didn't."

Advertiser - "It sounded like heroin."

Agent - "Look he likes artichokes - why would he want or even think about anything else? You like artichokes, right Michael?"

Actor - (nods) "I like Artichokes."

Advertiser - "Ok that's enough - just get out of here! Get him some damn Flaming Granola Bar-B-Que sauce covered Artichokes and get him back on the set!"

(Actor and agent leave. Advertiser leans back and picks up a report.)

Advertiser - (grumpily to him or herself) "Artichokes" (thoughtfully) "Artichokes?" (Dismissively) "Artichokes."

Sketchy Cooking - Corn and Potato Fritters

2006-11-20T10:48:00.000-08:00

Here's the deal - I buy cookbooks. Lots of Cookbooks. And I don't always make many recipes in said cookbooks. So to goad me into making more recipes and to fill up this website, I will be making ten or so recipes from each cookbook and then moving onto the next. The first cookbook is The Essential Fingerfood Cookbook.

It's an attractive cookbook, both inside and out, and the recipes are laid out regionally. The first recipe is "Corn and Potato Fritters," from the Flavours of India section. I have made this recipe three times, and the third time it turned out quite good. The first time I followed the recipe pretty closely, but rather than use my grater to shred them, I used my mandolin to cut them into thin strips - very thin, which I thought would be adequate. I was wrong though; the potatoes on the outside of the fritters tasted fine, but the ones on the interior were undercooked.

My second attempt I got some shredded potatoes in the green bag - already chopped up and cooked - but the fritters didn't stick together very well. I should note that despite these problems they tasted pretty good.

My third attempt last night I made it like a hash rather than fritters. And it turned out quite good. I used the same basic recipe (halved) and made it all in one, and served it with some sun dried tomato sausages. I liked it ok, and so did Caleb, who said it was good but could be a bit spicier - next time i make it I will include some more pepper, possibly a few red pepper flakes. I might also put in some grilled chicken, or spicy sausage.

Anyway that's my first installment - look for another one tomorrow (as I made two recipes last night).

The Lemur Sketch

2006-11-20T10:47:00.000-08:00

This sketch was inspired by a discussion of a bone marrow doner drive with a friend (Caleb, for those of you playing along at home). It's dark, but it makes me laugh. It is also a bit Pythonesque, a bit of a ripoff. I didn't intend that, but that's the way it came out. Still, it makes me laugh.

(Scene is an operating room. Leading Mr. Black into the room is an officious person (who we've helpfully named Officious person) in a suit, and in the room already are a doctor and a nurse (who's completely dispensable as he or she has no lines).

Officious Person - "Right this way Mr. Black. And let me say again how much we appreciate your willingness to donate bone marrow."

Mr. Black - "Well it's important to give what one has, I think."

Officious Person - "How right you are. Now as you understand, Dr. Reynolds is going to drug you and then slice you open and we will then slice into your lemur. . ."

Mr. Black - "You mean femur I think."

Officious person - "No I'm quite sure it's lemur. I have the instructions right here."

Mr. Black "What." (Confused, not upset yet)

Officious person - "Between you and me I wish it were a femur - everybody's got one of those. But how many people do you think have lemurs? Took us quite a while to find you."

Mr. Black - "Wait - I think you are making a mistake."

Officious person - "Did you know that humans and chimpanzees are 99% identical? It must be much the same with lemurs."

Mr. Black - "Well I don't even have my lemur here."

Officious person - "Oh don't you worry about that Mr. Black. Terry, Dr. Reynolds other nurse, is at your apartment right now - your landlord was nice enough to let him in. At the right moment I will call him up and give the word."

Mr. Black - "And he'll start drilling into Terrence?"

Officious person - "No he'll start drilling into your lemur. Who's Terrence?"

Mr. Black - "My lemur - I called him Terrence."

Officious person - "That's a silly name for a lemur. If I ever get one, I'll call him Mr. Filthmonger. But I'm not really a lemur person, I suppose."

Mr. Black - "What are you going to do to Terrence."

Officious person - "Well when Dr. Reynolds has you cut open, I am going to call Terry and Terrence will be sliced into quick as a jiff. Dr. Reynolds will have to come out and signal me I'm afraid, as I feel being in the room with you as you are cut into will be very unpleasant."

Mr. Black - "But this is crazy - I don't want anything to happen to happen to Terrence."

Officious person - "I rather felt you might feel this way, and with your feelings in mind, we've already drugged you."

Mr. Black - "What!"

Officious person - "Oh yes. A bit of an extra expense, but that soda I gave you earlier? Was laced with something Dr. Reynolds has assured me will have you sleeping like a log in no time. Still I am out $2.50. Why are hospital vending machines so expensive?"

Mr. Black - "This is insanity."

Officious person - "Oh there's no reason to get dramatic. I'll get reimbursed once I turn in my expenses sheet."

Mr. Black - "No I mean you are going to kill my lemur. It makes no sense."

Officious person - (Sternly) "Do you believe in the rule of law?"

Mr. Black - "What does that have to do with it."

Officious person - "Just answer the question, Mr. Black."

Mr. Black - "I believe in law and order - but that's nothing to do with this. You just read the instructions wrong. Or the person typing them up made an error."

Officious person - "Oh the people who typed this up don't make errors. Ever. After all those very same people selected me for this job, and I can assure you that was no mistake."

Mr. Black - "Doctor Reynolds, come on. You must see what's going on here."

Dr. Reynolds - "I'll admit I was skeptical at first, but at this point, I've sort of bought into it."

Mr. Black - "But surely your medical training . . ."

Dr. Reynolds - "Oh well I have to admit I skipped class the day they were talking about marrow transplants. That was the day Revenge of the Sith came out and I was waiting in line to get tickets. Anyway did you know the genetic code for humans and chimps is 99% identical?"

Mr. Black. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Dr. Reynolds - "Well if those hairy brutes are so close to us, lemurs must not be that much further off, right?"

Mr. Black - "Please Dr. Reynolds. You have to help me here."

Dr. Reynolds - "No that's quite out of the question. I believe in the rule of law."

Mr. Black - (Turning back to the officious person, kind of wobbly) "Don't hurt poor Terrence."

Officious person - "I believe you mean Mr. Filthmonger. No wait, that's my name for a hypothetical lemur. I have to say Mr. Black, you aren't inspiring me to pick up one of those pets. Don't you think you ought to set more of an example?"

Mr. Black - "What?"

Officious person - "I mean it's all very well you telling me that you enjoy having a pet lemur, but all I see is you moaning and crying that we are about to cut him open."

Mr. Black - "Poor Terrence." (Nurse and Dr. Reynolds helps him onto operating table).

Officious person - "At least you can take some comfort in the rule of law, which must guide our actions if we are to succeed. Oh you are unconscious." (Flips out his cell phone). "Yes just letting you know we found a donor for Mr. Gruttlesnup. Oh yes, very generous sort, but a bit of whiner. . . . yes I suppose it was lucky we found this donor at the last moment. Well don't worry Ms. Gruttlesnup will have the marrow he needs within the hour."

Congressional Basketball

2006-11-16T10:57:00.000-08:00

Hopefully this sketch won't be accurate for much longer. Wrote it a couple of weeks ago, and it does certainly seem to reflect the recent past. I didn't take much care to write the senators vocabulary any distinct way. This is another film sketch, in that it'd be hard to do on stage - but not impossible. You only really have two sets - the control booth, and the Democratic Locker Room - so put the two announcers to one side and have most of the stage be the locker room. I might end up rewriting this one to change Lieberman's role slightly - seems like there's some fun to be had there - or maybe a sequel.

Rex : (in box over basketball court): "So far it looks like a blowout here at the annual congressional basketball."

James: (nodding) "You can say that again, Rex. So far the Republicans have scored nearly 200 baskets, adding up to a score of 576, due to Referee Rhenquist's inexplicable decision that Republican baskets count for three.

Rex: "That's right, James. Speaker Pelosi gave him a very harsh look at that point, but there didn't seem to be anything she could do."

James: "Well you never know until you try, and that's just what we haven't seen tonight from the Democratic side of the fence. They have yet to leave the locker room."

Rex: "Except of course Senator Lieberman who has come out several times. He passed the ball to Representative Hastert for basket 143, I believe."

James: "Yes that's right. He's proving a fan favorite with his antics, although many also feel him disloyal and a bit of a showboat. Look he's on his way back to the locker room now, where our man Buck is waiting with Senator Reid. Let's cut to that now."

(Camera switches to Buck standing in a locker room with Senator Reid (or another suitable politician).

Buck: "So tell me, Senator Reid, is this the sort of game you feel that the Democrats should be playing?"

Sen. Reid: "Well I'm very pleased with my teammates and our performance. I think that the American people knows who we are, and they no what we are capable of."

Buck: "How would they know that, Senator?"

Sen. Reid: "By our willingness to stand up for basic American values. Like decency and fairness."

Buck: "I mean how can they see you standing up for basic American values. Since the coin flip you haven't been on the court. If it wasn't for me coming back and interviewing you, they wouldn't even know you existed.

Sen. Reid: "I don't think that's quite fair, son. I admit that the complexities of congressional Basketball are difficult for the lay person to understand at times, but that's why it is so important for us to be out among the people, to get people to understand how we are fighting for them."

(Behind the actors, Lieberman comes in and gathers the team together, and starts gesturing.)

Buck: "I don't know how complex it is. They look at the court and they see the Republicans there and they see you guys aren't there."

Sen. Reid: "It's all part of the strategy. I've been monitoring the game very carefully and I can see that our Republican colleagues are getting very cocky indeed. Why a few minutes ago Representative Ney mooned Helen Thomas. That kind of bad sportsmanship isn't very appealing to the American people." (Looking around). "I see it's time for another strategy session. If you will excuse me Buck." (Lieberman walks back to the group).

Buck: "Let's keep the focus here a moment before returning court side. I am curious as to what this fiery moderate is going to propose to his colleagues." (Camera zooms into the congressional huddle).

Lieberman. "It's time to get on the court, Congress people. I've spoken with the majority leadership, and they feel that there is a very vital role that we can play."

Obama. "Can we make a few baskets?"

Lieberman: "Settle down, Junior. First of all we need to focus on the fundamentals." (Looking around conspiratorially) "I have an idea that just might get us a whole heap of baskets. I don't know if you've noticed but some of our shorter Republican colleagues have a hard time dunking." (Nods all around).

Pelosi: "They look sad trying to dunk."

Lieberman: "Well my plan is this. We go out there and form a human ramp with our bodies. These shorter senators can run up our backs and slam dunk the ball with ease."

Obama: "What?"

Pelosi: "That's Crazy."

Lieberman: "No wait. Hear me out. We do this a few times on their basket - getting them comfortable with the idea of us participating in the game. Then when they least expect us, maybe we turn it around. Trick them into making a few baskets on our basket."

Obama. (Thinking) "It's crazy. But it just might work."

Lieberman: "That's the spirit. Let's get out there and show America what we are made of."

(Congress people stand up doing a ra ra kind of chant as the charge out of the locker room, camera slides back to buck who is shaking his head)

Buck: "Did you get all that? Back up to you Rex and James."

Rex: (Camera switches back to the control room). "Well there's been some excitement on the floor. First of all Tom Delay was kicked out of the game for stealing free Congress Dogs from the concession stand. He hasn't actually left the field because they can't get a replacement, but he's somewhat less effective."

James: (shaking his head). "What a surprising turn of events, but it was topped by Rick Santorum who actually punched several fans in the face for seemingly no reason. He was given a stern reprimand."

Rex: "It's good to see the referees standing firm in the face of Republican bad sportsmanship. Finally Representative Foley was expelled from the game entirely, due to his indiscretions with some of the towel boys. He contended this his bad behavior was due to alcohol and adjourned to the clubhouse bar to consider his misfortune."

James: "Yes it looks like the Republicans have really managed to wound themselves in the last few minutes of this game, just in time for the Democrats to take the court."

Rex: "And here they come, just look how fired up they look as they come charging out of the locker room."

James: (Nodding) "Yes it's really a shame that the game ended a few minutes ago, because I have a feeling these players might have really shown us something impressive."

Rex: "Well you know what they say, James. There's always next year."

Dr. Doom at Penn State Sketch

2006-11-12T16:21:00.000-08:00

This is a film sketch - in that it'd be hard to put on on a stage, without a certain amount of rewriting. If you are thinking of doing that, you might do it as a talk show. Add more dialogue for Doom (Remembering to use Dolt often), and bring the other characters on as walk ons. Also rewriting the ending a bit is encouraged as I don't think it's very strong.

Announcer: (standing on generic college graduation) Graduation. Penn State. 2006. Today's graduating glass has one of the most famous doctors in the world, a doctor who has not, as it turns out, been eligible to call him self doctor. Until today. I'm talking, of course, about Doctor Doom.

Dr. Doom: (Camera cuts to interview with Dr. Doom, interviewer not in the shot). Well I kept getting letters from various meddling fools complaining about my use of the term Doctor when I am not, in fact, a Doctor at all. I tried sending my Doombots out to teach them a lesson, but there were too many of them. So I did a cost benefit analysis and enrolled in Penn State.

Announcer: One of those meddling fools was Dr. Hazelnut, of Cambridge.

Dr. Hazlenut: Yes I visited Dr. Doom in Latveria, on my way to a burial site in Wakanda. It was a little out of my way but I felt it was important that he know how the academic community felt about his misappropriation of the term Doctor. I have also spoken with Doctor Druid about it, who assured me that he was a Doctor, although he could present no credentials to that effect. Of course both Dr. Strange and Dr. Octopus are legitimate Doctors."

Announcer: And how did Dr. Doom respond to you?

Dr. Hazelnut: He's not a Doctor yet.

Announcer: No but he will be.

Dr. Hazelnut: What?

Announcer: When this airs he will be? That's why we are dong this story. This will air after the graduation ceremony.

Dr. Hazelnut: But he's not a doctor now.

Announcer: By the time anybody sees this he will be.

Dr. Hazelnut: (thinking a moment). No I don't get it. He's not a Doctor and you shouldn't call him one.

Announcer: OK, I'll revise my comments. How did (pause) Mister Doom respond to you?

Dr. Hazelnut: Well I can tell you he doesn't like being called Mister Doom.

Announcer: (Vaguely sarcastically) Really?

Dr. Hazelnut: Yes. I still have very little feeling in my right arm. (thinking) Actually maybe we should just call him Doctor.

Announcer: (in a very quick cut to another college campus (or the same one shot from a different angle, what do I care)). This is historic State University, where Dr. Doom went to college, but failed to graduate from, leading to his encounter with Dr. Hazelnut. Ms. Sally Ardenose remembers his days on this campus.

Sally: Oh yes, I remember Victor. Brilliant mind, but lacking in people skills. I remember he called me a demented fool once - that is not the way build lasting friendships. Of course after the accident he fled the school, saying something about there being nothing more that we could teach him.

Announcer: (over pictures of him fighting the Fantastic Four, in his palace, and standing in front of Penn State). Of course Mr. Doom had a long and chequered career after that, tangling with the Fantastic Four, being named dictator of Latveria and so on. Until the day, four years ago, he decided to go for his doctorate in Ethno-Musicology.

Dr. Doom: (camera cuts back to Dr. Doom). Well I love music. I find it helps me ignore the prattling of ignorant dolts.

Announcer: What kind of student is Dr. Doom? His professors see him as a model student.

Dr. Pinksington: "Oh yes, Victor was wonderful. Conscientious and creative, as I like to describe my favorite students. Always made interesting and relevant comments, and was extremely punctual. Except when he was battling the Fantastic Four, of course, but he'd always keep up on the class work so that when he returned to class he could participate in our discussions without problem.

Announcer: "But what about Dr. Doom, the classmate? The dormmate?"

Student 1: "Yeah Doom was cool. He didn't want a roommate so he had to take the room down on the end there."

Student 2. "It's the furthest away from the bathroom - but I don't think he went to the bathroom a lot."

Student 1: "And he never showered."

Announcer: "How do you know that?"

Student 1. "He stank, man. Like three week old bean dip."

Student 2: "Yeah, and not like good bean dip either. Like the kind you buy at 3 in the morning at a gas station and have three bites of before you pass out."

Student 1: (Looking at student 2) "Righteous. Anyway he claimed he had a body filtering system that would keep him clean. The RA complained a few times, but Doom wouldn't budge. He'd just say "Body Filtering, Dolt" and slam the door on Terry's face."

Announcer: "So you'd say Dr. Doom was a difficult person to live with?"

Student 1: "Doom was alright. I mean he wasn't real sociable, but he didn't create any problems either."

Student 2: "He liked hacky sack." (A shot of Doom Playing Hackysack with some students would be good here).

Student 1: "Yeah. He was nuts about it. Was pretty good too, after we talked him out of using his jet pack to give the hack a little oomph, as he put it."

Student 2: (laughing) "Poor Terry went through about 30 hackysacks before we explained that too him."

Student 1: "Terry's a feeb anyway. Oh and Doom was great for dorm pests."

Announcer: "Dorm Pests?"

Student 2: "Yeah like Magazine guys or that kind of stuff. We'd just send them down to Dooms place, tell them he was crazy about Magazines or Jesus or whatever."

Student 1: "They'd crap themselves when he opened the door, and they wouldn't be back, unless they were nuts or something." (Smiles) "Yeah, Doom was pretty cool."

Announcer: "Did he enjoy a social life?"

Student 1: "You mean like dates and stuff? Who wants to go out with three week old bean dip?"

Announcer: (camera shifts to a quite attractive young lady, standing in a quad of some sort) "Meet Beatrice Felstone, who dated Dr. Doom on several occasions."

Beatrice: "Oh yes Victor was a perfect gentleman. I admit his odor was not the most appealing, but when a man is emperor of his own kingdom, you have to make a few allowances."

Announcer: "So what sorts of things did you do on your dates."

Beatrice: "Well Victor was a man of what I like to call classical tastes. He enjoyed concerts, always classical music. He also enjoyed opera, and we had the most enjoyable date at a gallery down town. (giggles slightly) He brought some clip boards and we pretended to be art reviewers."

Announcer: "Did the authorities give you any trouble?" (A shot here from the art museum security files would be good, showing Beatrice and Dr. Doom with clipboards).

Beatrice: "Yes, there was a security guard who questioned Victor, but once he explained about Diplomatic Immunity, the guard left us alone."

Announcer: "Did you ever explore the more physical aspects of your relationship."

Beatrice: "Oh no. I'm afraid that the odor problem was an insurmountable problem there. I recommended he fill his body filtration system with brut, but it was a no go I'm afraid."

Shots of a graduation ceremony - doesn't have to be too big, put Dr. Doom about third in line with the college president reading off names and someone else handing the diplomas. Katherine Uvalia, Michael Vanderkamph, and Victor Von Doom. Camera pans as he walks across and takes his diploma, he waves at the crowd.

Announcer: (Voiceover) "Yes he's not your average student. And yet this continuing education triumph is an inspiration to us all. Even a man who's tried to conquer the world numerous times can, through solid effort and study, get a college degree. America really is the land of opportunity.