70 Sketches: Dr. Doom at Penn State Sketch

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Dr. Doom at Penn State Sketch

This is a film sketch - in that it'd be hard to put on on a stage, without a certain amount of rewriting. If you are thinking of doing that, you might do it as a talk show. Add more dialogue for Doom (Remembering to use Dolt often), and bring the other characters on as walk ons. Also rewriting the ending a bit is encouraged as I don't think it's very strong.

Announcer: (standing on generic college graduation) Graduation. Penn State. 2006. Today's graduating glass has one of the most famous doctors in the world, a doctor who has not, as it turns out, been eligible to call him self doctor. Until today. I'm talking, of course, about Doctor Doom.

Dr. Doom: (Camera cuts to interview with Dr. Doom, interviewer not in the shot). Well I kept getting letters from various meddling fools complaining about my use of the term Doctor when I am not, in fact, a Doctor at all. I tried sending my Doombots out to teach them a lesson, but there were too many of them. So I did a cost benefit analysis and enrolled in Penn State.

Announcer: One of those meddling fools was Dr. Hazelnut, of Cambridge.

Dr. Hazlenut: Yes I visited Dr. Doom in Latveria, on my way to a burial site in Wakanda. It was a little out of my way but I felt it was important that he know how the academic community felt about his misappropriation of the term Doctor. I have also spoken with Doctor Druid about it, who assured me that he was a Doctor, although he could present no credentials to that effect. Of course both Dr. Strange and Dr. Octopus are legitimate Doctors."

Announcer: And how did Dr. Doom respond to you?

Dr. Hazelnut: He's not a Doctor yet.

Announcer: No but he will be.

Dr. Hazelnut: What?

Announcer: When this airs he will be? That's why we are dong this story. This will air after the graduation ceremony.

Dr. Hazelnut: But he's not a doctor now.

Announcer: By the time anybody sees this he will be.

Dr. Hazelnut: (thinking a moment). No I don't get it. He's not a Doctor and you shouldn't call him one.

Announcer: OK, I'll revise my comments. How did (pause) Mister Doom respond to you?

Dr. Hazelnut: Well I can tell you he doesn't like being called Mister Doom.

Announcer: (Vaguely sarcastically) Really?

Dr. Hazelnut: Yes. I still have very little feeling in my right arm. (thinking) Actually maybe we should just call him Doctor.

Announcer: (in a very quick cut to another college campus (or the same one shot from a different angle, what do I care)). This is historic State University, where Dr. Doom went to college, but failed to graduate from, leading to his encounter with Dr. Hazelnut. Ms. Sally Ardenose remembers his days on this campus.

Sally: Oh yes, I remember Victor. Brilliant mind, but lacking in people skills. I remember he called me a demented fool once - that is not the way build lasting friendships. Of course after the accident he fled the school, saying something about there being nothing more that we could teach him.

Announcer: (over pictures of him fighting the Fantastic Four, in his palace, and standing in front of Penn State). Of course Mr. Doom had a long and chequered career after that, tangling with the Fantastic Four, being named dictator of Latveria and so on. Until the day, four years ago, he decided to go for his doctorate in Ethno-Musicology.

Dr. Doom: (camera cuts back to Dr. Doom). Well I love music. I find it helps me ignore the prattling of ignorant dolts.

Announcer: What kind of student is Dr. Doom? His professors see him as a model student.

Dr. Pinksington: "Oh yes, Victor was wonderful. Conscientious and creative, as I like to describe my favorite students. Always made interesting and relevant comments, and was extremely punctual. Except when he was battling the Fantastic Four, of course, but he'd always keep up on the class work so that when he returned to class he could participate in our discussions without problem.

Announcer: "But what about Dr. Doom, the classmate? The dormmate?"

Student 1: "Yeah Doom was cool. He didn't want a roommate so he had to take the room down on the end there."

Student 2. "It's the furthest away from the bathroom - but I don't think he went to the bathroom a lot."

Student 1: "And he never showered."

Announcer: "How do you know that?"

Student 1. "He stank, man. Like three week old bean dip."

Student 2: "Yeah, and not like good bean dip either. Like the kind you buy at 3 in the morning at a gas station and have three bites of before you pass out."

Student 1: (Looking at student 2) "Righteous. Anyway he claimed he had a body filtering system that would keep him clean. The RA complained a few times, but Doom wouldn't budge. He'd just say "Body Filtering, Dolt" and slam the door on Terry's face."

Announcer: "So you'd say Dr. Doom was a difficult person to live with?"

Student 1: "Doom was alright. I mean he wasn't real sociable, but he didn't create any problems either."

Student 2: "He liked hacky sack." (A shot of Doom Playing Hackysack with some students would be good here).

Student 1: "Yeah. He was nuts about it. Was pretty good too, after we talked him out of using his jet pack to give the hack a little oomph, as he put it."

Student 2: (laughing) "Poor Terry went through about 30 hackysacks before we explained that too him."

Student 1: "Terry's a feeb anyway. Oh and Doom was great for dorm pests."

Announcer: "Dorm Pests?"

Student 2: "Yeah like Magazine guys or that kind of stuff. We'd just send them down to Dooms place, tell them he was crazy about Magazines or Jesus or whatever."

Student 1: "They'd crap themselves when he opened the door, and they wouldn't be back, unless they were nuts or something." (Smiles) "Yeah, Doom was pretty cool."

Announcer: "Did he enjoy a social life?"

Student 1: "You mean like dates and stuff? Who wants to go out with three week old bean dip?"

Announcer: (camera shifts to a quite attractive young lady, standing in a quad of some sort) "Meet Beatrice Felstone, who dated Dr. Doom on several occasions."

Beatrice: "Oh yes Victor was a perfect gentleman. I admit his odor was not the most appealing, but when a man is emperor of his own kingdom, you have to make a few allowances."

Announcer: "So what sorts of things did you do on your dates."

Beatrice: "Well Victor was a man of what I like to call classical tastes. He enjoyed concerts, always classical music. He also enjoyed opera, and we had the most enjoyable date at a gallery down town. (giggles slightly) He brought some clip boards and we pretended to be art reviewers."

Announcer: "Did the authorities give you any trouble?" (A shot here from the art museum security files would be good, showing Beatrice and Dr. Doom with clipboards).

Beatrice: "Yes, there was a security guard who questioned Victor, but once he explained about Diplomatic Immunity, the guard left us alone."

Announcer: "Did you ever explore the more physical aspects of your relationship."

Beatrice: "Oh no. I'm afraid that the odor problem was an insurmountable problem there. I recommended he fill his body filtration system with brut, but it was a no go I'm afraid."

Shots of a graduation ceremony - doesn't have to be too big, put Dr. Doom about third in line with the college president reading off names and someone else handing the diplomas. Katherine Uvalia, Michael Vanderkamph, and Victor Von Doom. Camera pans as he walks across and takes his diploma, he waves at the crowd.

Announcer: (Voiceover) "Yes he's not your average student. And yet this continuing education triumph is an inspiration to us all. Even a man who's tried to conquer the world numerous times can, through solid effort and study, get a college degree. America really is the land of opportunity.

posted by Bryant @ 4:21 PM

This website does three things

1. I will on a weekly or bi-weekly basis present comedic sketches I have written. Your mileage may vary.

2. I will also be cooking and reporting on recipes I make from the many cookbooks I have. I will be starting with a book of appetizer recipes and moving up from that. I will be reporting here rather than cooking.

3. I also think I will write the occasional feature on comedy or on things I find funny.

If I can I will also provide a weekend radio station of sorts. We'll have to see how that goes.

The title of this blog comes from a song by Simple Minds called "70 Cities as Love Brings the Fall." It is off of an album called Sons and Fascination. Ironically Sons and Fascination was doubled packed with an album called Sister Feelings Call, and I thought, making this site, that the song was from that album. I was, as it turns out, mistaken. The color scheme for this website is taken from Sister Feelings Call, though, and since I think it's a better scheme I don't plan on changing it.

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Name: Bryant
Home: Nowhereville, Denial, United States
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