70 Sketches: Congressional Basketball

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Congressional Basketball

Hopefully this sketch won't be accurate for much longer. Wrote it a couple of weeks ago, and it does certainly seem to reflect the recent past. I didn't take much care to write the senators vocabulary any distinct way. This is another film sketch, in that it'd be hard to do on stage - but not impossible. You only really have two sets - the control booth, and the Democratic Locker Room - so put the two announcers to one side and have most of the stage be the locker room. I might end up rewriting this one to change Lieberman's role slightly - seems like there's some fun to be had there - or maybe a sequel.

Rex : (in box over basketball court): "So far it looks like a blowout here at the annual congressional basketball."

James: (nodding) "You can say that again, Rex. So far the Republicans have scored nearly 200 baskets, adding up to a score of 576, due to Referee Rhenquist's inexplicable decision that Republican baskets count for three.

Rex: "That's right, James. Speaker Pelosi gave him a very harsh look at that point, but there didn't seem to be anything she could do."

James: "Well you never know until you try, and that's just what we haven't seen tonight from the Democratic side of the fence. They have yet to leave the locker room."

Rex: "Except of course Senator Lieberman who has come out several times. He passed the ball to Representative Hastert for basket 143, I believe."

James: "Yes that's right. He's proving a fan favorite with his antics, although many also feel him disloyal and a bit of a showboat. Look he's on his way back to the locker room now, where our man Buck is waiting with Senator Reid. Let's cut to that now."

(Camera switches to Buck standing in a locker room with Senator Reid (or another suitable politician).

Buck: "So tell me, Senator Reid, is this the sort of game you feel that the Democrats should be playing?"

Sen. Reid: "Well I'm very pleased with my teammates and our performance. I think that the American people knows who we are, and they no what we are capable of."

Buck: "How would they know that, Senator?"

Sen. Reid: "By our willingness to stand up for basic American values. Like decency and fairness."

Buck: "I mean how can they see you standing up for basic American values. Since the coin flip you haven't been on the court. If it wasn't for me coming back and interviewing you, they wouldn't even know you existed.

Sen. Reid: "I don't think that's quite fair, son. I admit that the complexities of congressional Basketball are difficult for the lay person to understand at times, but that's why it is so important for us to be out among the people, to get people to understand how we are fighting for them."

(Behind the actors, Lieberman comes in and gathers the team together, and starts gesturing.)

Buck: "I don't know how complex it is. They look at the court and they see the Republicans there and they see you guys aren't there."

Sen. Reid: "It's all part of the strategy. I've been monitoring the game very carefully and I can see that our Republican colleagues are getting very cocky indeed. Why a few minutes ago Representative Ney mooned Helen Thomas. That kind of bad sportsmanship isn't very appealing to the American people." (Looking around). "I see it's time for another strategy session. If you will excuse me Buck." (Lieberman walks back to the group).

Buck: "Let's keep the focus here a moment before returning court side. I am curious as to what this fiery moderate is going to propose to his colleagues." (Camera zooms into the congressional huddle).

Lieberman. "It's time to get on the court, Congress people. I've spoken with the majority leadership, and they feel that there is a very vital role that we can play."

Obama. "Can we make a few baskets?"

Lieberman: "Settle down, Junior. First of all we need to focus on the fundamentals." (Looking around conspiratorially) "I have an idea that just might get us a whole heap of baskets. I don't know if you've noticed but some of our shorter Republican colleagues have a hard time dunking." (Nods all around).

Pelosi: "They look sad trying to dunk."

Lieberman: "Well my plan is this. We go out there and form a human ramp with our bodies. These shorter senators can run up our backs and slam dunk the ball with ease."

Obama: "What?"

Pelosi: "That's Crazy."

Lieberman: "No wait. Hear me out. We do this a few times on their basket - getting them comfortable with the idea of us participating in the game. Then when they least expect us, maybe we turn it around. Trick them into making a few baskets on our basket."

Obama. (Thinking) "It's crazy. But it just might work."

Lieberman: "That's the spirit. Let's get out there and show America what we are made of."

(Congress people stand up doing a ra ra kind of chant as the charge out of the locker room, camera slides back to buck who is shaking his head)

Buck: "Did you get all that? Back up to you Rex and James."

Rex: (Camera switches back to the control room). "Well there's been some excitement on the floor. First of all Tom Delay was kicked out of the game for stealing free Congress Dogs from the concession stand. He hasn't actually left the field because they can't get a replacement, but he's somewhat less effective."

James: (shaking his head). "What a surprising turn of events, but it was topped by Rick Santorum who actually punched several fans in the face for seemingly no reason. He was given a stern reprimand."

Rex: "It's good to see the referees standing firm in the face of Republican bad sportsmanship. Finally Representative Foley was expelled from the game entirely, due to his indiscretions with some of the towel boys. He contended this his bad behavior was due to alcohol and adjourned to the clubhouse bar to consider his misfortune."

James: "Yes it looks like the Republicans have really managed to wound themselves in the last few minutes of this game, just in time for the Democrats to take the court."

Rex: "And here they come, just look how fired up they look as they come charging out of the locker room."

James: (Nodding) "Yes it's really a shame that the game ended a few minutes ago, because I have a feeling these players might have really shown us something impressive."

Rex: "Well you know what they say, James. There's always next year."

posted by Bryant @ 10:57 AM

This website does three things

1. I will on a weekly or bi-weekly basis present comedic sketches I have written. Your mileage may vary.

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