70 Sketches: The Lemur Sketch

Monday, November 20, 2006

The Lemur Sketch

This sketch was inspired by a discussion of a bone marrow doner drive with a friend (Caleb, for those of you playing along at home). It's dark, but it makes me laugh. It is also a bit Pythonesque, a bit of a ripoff. I didn't intend that, but that's the way it came out. Still, it makes me laugh.

(Scene is an operating room. Leading Mr. Black into the room is an officious person (who we've helpfully named Officious person) in a suit, and in the room already are a doctor and a nurse (who's completely dispensable as he or she has no lines).

Officious Person - "Right this way Mr. Black. And let me say again how much we appreciate your willingness to donate bone marrow."

Mr. Black - "Well it's important to give what one has, I think."

Officious Person - "How right you are. Now as you understand, Dr. Reynolds is going to drug you and then slice you open and we will then slice into your lemur. . ."

Mr. Black - "You mean femur I think."

Officious person - "No I'm quite sure it's lemur. I have the instructions right here."

Mr. Black "What." (Confused, not upset yet)

Officious person - "Between you and me I wish it were a femur - everybody's got one of those. But how many people do you think have lemurs? Took us quite a while to find you."

Mr. Black - "Wait - I think you are making a mistake."

Officious person - "Did you know that humans and chimpanzees are 99% identical? It must be much the same with lemurs."

Mr. Black - "Well I don't even have my lemur here."

Officious person - "Oh don't you worry about that Mr. Black. Terry, Dr. Reynolds other nurse, is at your apartment right now - your landlord was nice enough to let him in. At the right moment I will call him up and give the word."

Mr. Black - "And he'll start drilling into Terrence?"

Officious person - "No he'll start drilling into your lemur. Who's Terrence?"

Mr. Black - "My lemur - I called him Terrence."

Officious person - "That's a silly name for a lemur. If I ever get one, I'll call him Mr. Filthmonger. But I'm not really a lemur person, I suppose."

Mr. Black - "What are you going to do to Terrence."

Officious person - "Well when Dr. Reynolds has you cut open, I am going to call Terry and Terrence will be sliced into quick as a jiff. Dr. Reynolds will have to come out and signal me I'm afraid, as I feel being in the room with you as you are cut into will be very unpleasant."

Mr. Black - "But this is crazy - I don't want anything to happen to happen to Terrence."

Officious person - "I rather felt you might feel this way, and with your feelings in mind, we've already drugged you."

Mr. Black - "What!"

Officious person - "Oh yes. A bit of an extra expense, but that soda I gave you earlier? Was laced with something Dr. Reynolds has assured me will have you sleeping like a log in no time. Still I am out $2.50. Why are hospital vending machines so expensive?"

Mr. Black - "This is insanity."

Officious person - "Oh there's no reason to get dramatic. I'll get reimbursed once I turn in my expenses sheet."

Mr. Black - "No I mean you are going to kill my lemur. It makes no sense."

Officious person - (Sternly) "Do you believe in the rule of law?"

Mr. Black - "What does that have to do with it."

Officious person - "Just answer the question, Mr. Black."

Mr. Black - "I believe in law and order - but that's nothing to do with this. You just read the instructions wrong. Or the person typing them up made an error."

Officious person - "Oh the people who typed this up don't make errors. Ever. After all those very same people selected me for this job, and I can assure you that was no mistake."

Mr. Black - "Doctor Reynolds, come on. You must see what's going on here."

Dr. Reynolds - "I'll admit I was skeptical at first, but at this point, I've sort of bought into it."

Mr. Black - "But surely your medical training . . ."

Dr. Reynolds - "Oh well I have to admit I skipped class the day they were talking about marrow transplants. That was the day Revenge of the Sith came out and I was waiting in line to get tickets. Anyway did you know the genetic code for humans and chimps is 99% identical?"

Mr. Black. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Dr. Reynolds - "Well if those hairy brutes are so close to us, lemurs must not be that much further off, right?"

Mr. Black - "Please Dr. Reynolds. You have to help me here."

Dr. Reynolds - "No that's quite out of the question. I believe in the rule of law."

Mr. Black - (Turning back to the officious person, kind of wobbly) "Don't hurt poor Terrence."

Officious person - "I believe you mean Mr. Filthmonger. No wait, that's my name for a hypothetical lemur. I have to say Mr. Black, you aren't inspiring me to pick up one of those pets. Don't you think you ought to set more of an example?"

Mr. Black - "What?"

Officious person - "I mean it's all very well you telling me that you enjoy having a pet lemur, but all I see is you moaning and crying that we are about to cut him open."

Mr. Black - "Poor Terrence." (Nurse and Dr. Reynolds helps him onto operating table).

Officious person - "At least you can take some comfort in the rule of law, which must guide our actions if we are to succeed. Oh you are unconscious." (Flips out his cell phone). "Yes just letting you know we found a donor for Mr. Gruttlesnup. Oh yes, very generous sort, but a bit of whiner. . . . yes I suppose it was lucky we found this donor at the last moment. Well don't worry Ms. Gruttlesnup will have the marrow he needs within the hour."

posted by Bryant @ 10:47 AM

This website does three things

1. I will on a weekly or bi-weekly basis present comedic sketches I have written. Your mileage may vary.

2. I will also be cooking and reporting on recipes I make from the many cookbooks I have. I will be starting with a book of appetizer recipes and moving up from that. I will be reporting here rather than cooking.

3. I also think I will write the occasional feature on comedy or on things I find funny.

If I can I will also provide a weekend radio station of sorts. We'll have to see how that goes.

The title of this blog comes from a song by Simple Minds called "70 Cities as Love Brings the Fall." It is off of an album called Sons and Fascination. Ironically Sons and Fascination was doubled packed with an album called Sister Feelings Call, and I thought, making this site, that the song was from that album. I was, as it turns out, mistaken. The color scheme for this website is taken from Sister Feelings Call, though, and since I think it's a better scheme I don't plan on changing it.

About Me

Name: Bryant
Home: Nowhereville, Denial, United States
About Me: Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies. Well that's not strictly true.
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