70 Sketches: Artichokes

Monday, November 27, 2006

Artichokes

This is not my strongest sketch (the best thing about it might be "Flaming Granola Bar-B-Que Sauce." It was one of my first ideas, inspired in part by the Fred Rated commercials that were popular when I was a kid. I found those commercials endlessly amusing and fascinating. Anyway, for what it's worth I see the Agent and Advertiser as woman, but in a rarity, I specifically made the Actor male probably because Fred Rated is male.

(Scene opens, person sits at desks, two more enter a person and a guy - the guy slumps down in his chair expressionless)

Advertiser - (stands up and shakes agents hand) "I'm glad you could come - we have a little problem."

Agent - (shakes hand brightly) "Well solving problems is my middle name. Well middle names, I guess. But as I said on the phone I warned you that Michael can be inconsistent."

Advertiser - (sits down) "Inconsistent? I'd be glad for inconsistent. He's comotouse."

Agent - (sitting down) "Oh come on, that's going a bit far don't you think?"

Advertiser - "A block of wood would perform better than your boy here."

Agent - "Now really. He killed in that artichoke commercial."

Advertiser - "Well I wish I were selling some artichokes. But I'm selling Bar-b-que sauce."

Actor - (flatly) "I like artichokes."

Agent - "You see it's all about enthusiasm."

Advertiser - "Yes but when I'm paying him to get enthusiastic, I don't expect to have to wait around for the enthusiasm to show up. Check this out." (starts video sequence)

Actor - (holding up bottle of Flaming Granola Bar B Que Sauce, speaking flatly, even robotically). "Hello - this is Flaming Granola Bar B Que sauce. I haven't had any but I'm told it's very good by people who like Bar B. Que Sauce. If you like Bar B Que sauce maybe you would like Flaming Granola Bar B Que Sauce. Try it, won't you?" (Ad ends - camera work in ad is a staid one shot, with a dull push in on the last line).

(Pause, as the advertiser tuns off screen and turns back to face the Actor and Agent)

Agent - "I think I see what the problem is."

Advertiser - "You do? Gosh tell me."

Agent - "I think he doesn't like bar-b-que sauce."

Actor - (Vaguely) "Bar-b-que sauce and artichokes don't go together."

Agent - "Do you know of any recipes that you could make with artichokes and that Flaming Bar-B-Que sauce?"

Advertiser - "What?"

Agent - "Well he likes artichokes."

Actor - (Nodding sleepily) "I like Artichokes."

Agent - "Apparently." (Turns to video again) "I happen to have your boys Artichoke commercial here. Let's run it, just to remember what he is capable of."

Actor - (Video shows actor bouncing around a set literally hopping up and down with an artichoke in each hand, yelling) "Artichokes artichokes artichokes Artichokes Artichokes!" (Camera does a push in) "Go get artichokes. Get artichokes now. Get artichokes now! Artichokes, Artichokes!" (cut to him standing somewhere else, saying quietly and maniacally "Artichokes are life. Not artichokes are not life. Artichokes." (another cut to him bouncing again) "Buy Artichokes today. Now!" (More normal voice coming on) "paid for by the Artichoke growers of America."

(Advertiser shuts of the TV and turns back to face Actor and Agent)

Actor - (smiling dreamily) "Artichokes"

Agent - (Matter of fact) "So just come up with something that includes both artichokes and bar-b-que sauce and you'll be all set."

Advertiser (long stare) "I'm curious - what do you plan to do if he ever has to sell soap? Or a car say?"

Agent - (pause) "Well he could eat some artichokes in the car maybe (shakes head) we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

Advertiser - "Does he like anything but artichokes?"

Actor - (smiles) "I like heroin. Do you sell heroin?"

Agent - "He's a little focused, I'll admit. But we can work with that."

Advertiser - "Did he just say heroin?"

Agent - "I'm sure he didn't."

Advertiser - "It sounded like heroin."

Agent - "Look he likes artichokes - why would he want or even think about anything else? You like artichokes, right Michael?"

Actor - (nods) "I like Artichokes."

Advertiser - "Ok that's enough - just get out of here! Get him some damn Flaming Granola Bar-B-Que sauce covered Artichokes and get him back on the set!"

(Actor and agent leave. Advertiser leans back and picks up a report.)

Advertiser - (grumpily to him or herself) "Artichokes" (thoughtfully) "Artichokes?" (Dismissively) "Artichokes."

posted by Bryant @ 1:04 PM

This website does three things

1. I will on a weekly or bi-weekly basis present comedic sketches I have written. Your mileage may vary.

2. I will also be cooking and reporting on recipes I make from the many cookbooks I have. I will be starting with a book of appetizer recipes and moving up from that. I will be reporting here rather than cooking.

3. I also think I will write the occasional feature on comedy or on things I find funny.

If I can I will also provide a weekend radio station of sorts. We'll have to see how that goes.

The title of this blog comes from a song by Simple Minds called "70 Cities as Love Brings the Fall." It is off of an album called Sons and Fascination. Ironically Sons and Fascination was doubled packed with an album called Sister Feelings Call, and I thought, making this site, that the song was from that album. I was, as it turns out, mistaken. The color scheme for this website is taken from Sister Feelings Call, though, and since I think it's a better scheme I don't plan on changing it.

About Me

Name: Bryant
Home: Nowhereville, Denial, United States
About Me: Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies. Well that's not strictly true.
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