70 Sketches: Robbery

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Robbery

This was a fun one to write for the most part, and like the Lemur Sketch, it's very Monty Python like in my head. In particular I picture the first Teller as being a lot like that British Girl in those gum commercials - unflappable. There is an old timey sensibility to the whole thing I guess with the female bank tellers and stereotypical bank president. The kernel of this sketch (the idea of a reverse Bank Robber, was suggested by Mike a friend of mine and a very funny fellow. He could play the robber quite well. Enjoy.

(A Bank Scene; two tellers, a bank president behind his desk, sleeping security guard and two customers, and the robber in line - he's wearing a trench coat).

Teller - "And 5 makes 25. Have a nice day Ms. Applegate." (The customer turns around and walks out.) "Next please"

Robber - (steps forward, and leans in) "I'm carrying a gun. I have some money I want to give you."

Teller - (confused) "Is this a robbery?"

Robber - "Call it whatever you like. I have a gun that says your taking this money see." (Puts a bag of money on the counter.)

Teller - "This is very irregular."

Robber - "Well Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson say that you'd better make it regular."

Teller - "Smith and Wesson? Do they still make guns?"

Robber - (pulls gun out of his pocket) "Look right here on the barrel."

Teller - "Well I'll be damned. You learn something everyday I guess."

Teller 2 - "A gun. He has a gun."

Teller - "It's alright Millie - he was just showing me the markings on his firearm. Did you know that Smith and Wesson still make guns?"

Teller 2 - "Do tell. Can I see?"

Robber (holds up the gun) - "Now are you going to take my money or do I have to get rough?"

Teller - "Well do you have a deposit slip?"

Robber - "Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson say I don't need a ransom slip."

Teller - "You already used that one."

Robber - "What?"

Teller - "You can't use the same threat twice - it loses it's meaning."

Robber - "That's . . . that's just an old wives tale."

Teller - "No it's true. You need another threat. Something like" (mimes being a robber) "Give me some money or I'll give you a bullet."

Teller 2 - "No that wouldn't fit - because he's saying he doesn't need a deposit slip. Maybe something like I don't need no stinking Deposit slip." (Slips into silly Mexican accent for last bit).

Teller - "Oh I like that one. That's from a film I think."

Teller 2 - "Probably. How about that Mr. Robber man?"

Robber - "Yeah that works. I don't need no stinking deposit slip."

Teller - "Well without a deposit slip I don't know which account to put it in."

Robber - "I don't got no account. I just want you to take my stinking money."

Teller - "Careful there. No repetition. But sir, without an account how will know to give you your money back?"

Robber - "I have a very memorable face."

Teller - "Oh I'm sure you do. That's quite a bonus in the robbery line isn't it?"

Robber - (thinking a moment) "It helps to have an edge."

Teller - "At any rate, sir, we see hundreds of people each day. You face might be very memorable, but I don't want you to take the chance that we could forget."

Robber - "I don't want an account. I'm like a ninja - I don't want to leave any trace of my existence."

Teller - (sighs) "Yes you are exactly like a ninja who attacks in broad daylight with no mask on. I'm afraid I'll have to get my manager to handle your case sir. One second." (Turns and walks back to the managers desk they confer a moment. He stands up and comes to the counter).

Manager - "So what seems to be the problem, Mr. Robertson?"

Robber - "My names not Robertson."

Manager - (to Teller) "You said his name was Robertson."

Teller - "No I said he was a Robber man, or that's what Millie was calling him"

Manager - (back to Robber) "Robberman, eh? That's a Dutch name unless I miss my guess. I have quite a knack for languages. At any rate, Ms. Coalfield is right. It's our policy not to hold money except in our accounts."

Robber - "Well Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson say you'd better change that policy."

Teller 2 - "Hey!"

Teller - "No it's ok Millie. Because he's using it on a new person."

Teller 2 - "But we can still hear it."

Teller - "Yes but we aren't the targets of his intimidation attempt. Mr. Brownfield is."

Teller 2 - "I still think it's lazy."

Robber - "Well it's very hard coming up with new material."

Teller 2 - "You should have been working on this before you came in here. Have some stuff worked up."

Manager - "Excuse me. Are you threatening us."

Robber - "Yes. I have a gun."

Teller - "He does Mr. Brownfield. He showed it to Millie and me before."

Manager - "And you want to give us money?"

Robber - "Yes. This sack of money. Take it!"

Manager - (confused) "Will you want it back later?"

Robber - "Maybe. Maybe not. Chew on that Mr. Brownfield."

Manager - "OK. Well I think we can take your money."

Teller - "But how will we deposit it on our system."

Manager - "Use account number 4122933."

Teller - "Mr. Brownfield. Are you sure you want us to use that account."

Manager - "Yes I think so. That way we have it our records and Mr. Robberman can get it whenever he wants."

Teller - "But that's your account."

Manager - "Well that way I can keep an eye on it"

Teller - "Oh yes. Good thinking sir."

Manager - "I thought you would understand."

Robber - "What? Are you gonna take my money or am I going to have to get physical."

Teller - "There's no call for that Mr. Robberman we are certainly intimidated enough - we are going to take your money, and we aren't even going to give you a deposit slip."

Robber - "You'd better not." (Pushes bag of money across counter) "Now I'll just be on my way, and don't try following me." (Backs out sneakily then runs away).

Teller - (opens the bag, laughs) "There might be less paperwork than I thought there would be." (Dumping bag out on the counter - it's monopoly money).

Manager - "Son of a . . ."

Teller - "Sir! This is a family sketch!"

Manager - "Oh . . . yeah. Throw that . . . money in the vault, and we'll forget the whole thing ever happened." (walks back to desk and puts his head down, Teller 1 picks up the money laughing to herself )

posted by Bryant @ 12:48 PM

This website does three things

1. I will on a weekly or bi-weekly basis present comedic sketches I have written. Your mileage may vary.

2. I will also be cooking and reporting on recipes I make from the many cookbooks I have. I will be starting with a book of appetizer recipes and moving up from that. I will be reporting here rather than cooking.

3. I also think I will write the occasional feature on comedy or on things I find funny.

If I can I will also provide a weekend radio station of sorts. We'll have to see how that goes.

The title of this blog comes from a song by Simple Minds called "70 Cities as Love Brings the Fall." It is off of an album called Sons and Fascination. Ironically Sons and Fascination was doubled packed with an album called Sister Feelings Call, and I thought, making this site, that the song was from that album. I was, as it turns out, mistaken. The color scheme for this website is taken from Sister Feelings Call, though, and since I think it's a better scheme I don't plan on changing it.

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