70 Sketches: April 2007

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

When Johnny Comes Marching Home

This one has had a difficult birthing; all I am going to say about it is be careful not to assume that either of these characters is saying things I agree with.

A dirt with a fence next to it. Johnny in a soldiers uniform comes marching along it, sitting on the fence is Billy.

Billy - (looking up and seeing Johnny looking all proud of himself says flatly) "Hurrah. Hurrah"

Johnny - (bright and sunshiny) "Hey Billy. You hear to lead me into the reception?"

Billy - "Nah Johnny. I am the reception." (Seeing his face) "You want me to Hurrah again?"

Johnny - "What are you talking about? I'm marching home."

Billy - (A little but not much more enthusiastic) "Hurrah Hurrah"

Johnny - "Where are the men and boys and ladies? The song says they will all turn out."

Billy - "Well we've been waiting a good long time Johnny. Nobody knew the war would go on for so long."

Johnny - "But it's such a great song. It should have reminded you."

Billy - "Oh yeah sure it did. I always liked the bit about how we'll all be gay when Johnny comes marching home again."

Johnny - "You don't look very gay."

Billy - (hopping off the fence) "I'm bursting with gayness. That's my job. I'm the designated hurrah-er"

Johnny - "What?"

Billy - "Well it's like this Johnny. We are all goddamned sick of that song. It was great back in the day, but now it just doesn't suit our needs. But the town felt we owed it to you to live up to it. So I get five pennies and a chicken every week to sit here and watch for you to come back."

Johnny - "So you can go and get the rest of the town?"

Billy - "Well early on, sure. But now they think that it's enough just to have me hurrah."

Johnny - "What?"

Billy - "Well there's the big corn dance next week, and frankly everybody is busy learning and playing the songs of Stephen Foster."

Johnny - "You are confusing me. Isn't this way supposed to be strewn with roses by the village lads and lasses."

Billy - "Um. They blew away?"

Johnny - "What? There's hardly a breeze."

Billy - "Honesty forces me to point out that they spread the roses a year and a half ago."

Johnny - "Well that's a waste isn't it. And what about my three times three."

Billy - "What?"

Johnny - "The song. You are supposed to give me three times three. It's in the third verse."

Billy - "I guess we never made it that far."

Johnny - "It's in the song. Listen." (Sings third verse of When Johnny Comes Marching Home).

Get ready for the Jubilee,
Hurrah! Hurrah!
We'll give the hero three times three,
Hurrah! Hurrah!
The laurel wreath is ready now
To place upon his loyal brow
And we'll all feel gay when Johnny comes marching home.

Billy - "I never heard that part."

Johnny - "Well were's my three times three."

Billy - "I don't know what that is - I don't know how to give that to you. Three times three what?"

Johnny - "Lasses?"

Billy - "If I had nine lasses I could probably give you one or two. To borrow. Alas, the life of a designated hurrah-er has not afforded me much time to court the lasses."

Johnny - "I've been away for three years. I nearly starved outside of Atlanta."

Billy - "Sounds rough."

Johnny - "I deserve more than just a few hurrahs."

Billy - (shrugs) "Yeah, probably."

Johnny - "I deserve a hero's return."

Billy - "You weren't a hero, Johnny. You were a soldier."

Johnny - "I was a hero."

Billy - "In order to be a hero people have to see you being heroic."

Johnny - "That's not true."

Billy - "Sure it is. Being a hero means being someone other people look up to you. But Johnny we just don't want to hear about you starving outside of Atlanta. Frankly it sounds depressing."

Johnny - "But that's why I went. I wanted to be a hero."

Billy - "Well that was stupid. You should have stayed here and got a cat out of a tree or something."

Johnny - "But . . . what do I do."

Billy - "Get a job or start a farm or something I guess. Don't bother trying to become the designated hurrah-er. I got that job sewed up." (Looks at Johnny kindly) "Come on. Let's get you back into town."

Johnny - (following Billy, saying plaintively) "Well what about my laurel wreath."

Billy - (shaking his head as they walk off stage) "Sorry mate. You were lucky to get the hurrahs."

posted by Bryant @ 4:05 PM

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Feetless

This is a humble sketch; brief, basically one joke, in and out. I wanted to make it longer, but couldn't make it longer without stretching the rather simple (and probably banal) idea long enough that the joke would get lost.

Guy - (dude walks into the room, whistling or humming, guy looks up annoyed) "What are you so happy about?"

Dude - (sits down on the couch) "I got the world's greatest idea today. Gonna make me a mint!"

Guy - "Oh?" (Smirks)

Dude - "Get this. Footless Shoe Stores."

Guy - "Footless."

Dude - "Right."

Guy - "Shoe Stores."

Dude - "Right. It's brilliant."

Guy - "Targeting a pretty small demographic there, aren't you?"

Dude - "What do you mean?"

Guy - "Well the percentage of footless people who need shoes has to be . . . well, none?"

Dude - "It's not for footless people. It's for people who have less on their feet."

Guy - "Oh."

Dude - "It'd be stupid to sell shoes to footless people."

Guy - "I guess I can't argue with that."

Dude - "I want to sell shoes to people who have less on their feet. Maybe I should go with Feetless Shoe Stores."

Guy - "Wouldn't you have the same problem?"

Dude - "Nah - nobody talks about feetless people. It's not even a real word."

Guy - "But it sounds just like footless - people are going to assume."

Dude - "See you are thinking that way because you already have the term footless in your brain - you are connecting the two - but the two really have nothing in common."

Guy - "I don't know - footless, feetless. They sound the same thing."

Dude - "But they aren't. They are totally different. Footless means guys who have no feet. Feetless means guys who have less on their feet."

Guy - "I don't think that's how it works."

Dude - "Look I just made the word feetless up. It can mean whatever I want it to mean!"

Guy - "It doesn't work that way. Footless and feetless even look the same - you put it up on a billboard people driving up are going to see the round e's and assume they are o's"

Dude - "I won't put it on a billboard; who said anything about billboards."

Guy - "And anyway I don't see how this is gong to be a million dollar idea. There's already footlocker and payless and a million shoe stores."

Dude - "This is totally different. I'm going to have a cappuccino machine."

Guy - "Oh - for the customers?"

Dude - "No."

Guy - "Than why would you want a cappuccino machine."

Dude - "Have you ever had a cappuccino? They're delicious. Best coffee in the world."

Guy - "I guess what I'm having a hard time seeing is how you having a cappuccino is going to make this shoe store successful."

Dude - "I'll be happy right. A happy employee is a productive employee."

Guy - "Yeah but you'll be the employer."

Dude - "What?"

Guy - "It'll be your shoe shop right? You'll be running it - as the boss."

Dude - "Well it's probably the same."

Guy - "I don't think so. Nobody ever says a happy employer is a productive employer."

Dude - "I don't see why it wouldn't be the same."

Guy - "The only way it's the same is if the boss is ripping off the company. But everybody is happy ripping off the company. Those guys at Enron were practically ecstatic until they went to jail."

Dude - "Well those guys just got greedy. When I rip off the company I'll be much more discrete than those guys."

Guy - "So you are planning on ripping the shoe store off."

Dude - "Well yeah. But not much. I won't get too greedy."

Guy - "And who's going to own the shoe store again?"

Dude - "I am."

Guy - "Well it is comforting, I suppose, to know that you don't intend to steal that much from yourself. I guess that cappuccino machine really will come in handy."

Dude - (satisfied smile) "Yeah. Wait, why?"

Guy - "Well when you are ripping yourself off you won't want to drive yourself out of business and lose the cappuccino machine."

Dude - "I'm not going to rip myself out."

Guy - "Think it through for a moment."

Dude - "Oh. Well I haven't worked out all the kinks yet. But don't forget about my killer name."

Guy - "Yeah. All the feetless guys in town will come in. You'll corner the market."

Dude - (slumps down on the couch) "Damn. I really wanted a cappuccino machine."

posted by Bryant @ 3:43 PM

Friday, April 06, 2007

Your Host

That's also a picture of my car.

posted by Bryant @ 12:21 PM

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Costume Shop Sketch

I'm not entirely confident in this sketch; I don't think I nailed it. But there are some funny lines.

(Back doors in a costume shop. Joe is sitting reading the paper, Mike walks in.)

Joe: (looks up) "Sup?"

Mike: (Walks over to costume rack, and fiddles with it) "Josephine called in sick."

Joe: (looking back at his paper) "That sucks. Wasn't it her night to do the street corner thing?"

Mike: "Yep Looks like we will need a back up."

Joe: (very intently looking at his paper) "Who's doing it?"

Mike: "Take a guess."

Joe: (folding down paper aggressively) "Come on man. I did it Tuesday. I hate wearing a costume."

Mike: "It brings customers. We need customers."

Joe: "Sammy said that somebody threw a beer bottle at her on Saturday."

Mike: "So drunken frat boys are nothing new, and she shouldn't have been out there that late. I told her that it's over when the sun starts going down."

Joe: "Yeah yeah yeah. You also say we gotta stay out there till we get 25 sign ups."

Mike: "So do that before the sun goes down."

Joe: "So what am I wearing?"

Mike: (turns around with a snow white costume (or something else suitably girly)), "Well this is what Josephine was going to wear."

Joe: (I shouldn't have to tell you to put in a reaction beat here) "Oh hell no."

Mike: "It's a big seller. Girls of all ages want to be princesses."

Joe: "You think seeing me in that costume is going to inspire them?"

Mike: "Look we are in the illusion business. The type of people who buy costumes, they are imaginative. A girl sees you in this and she'll imagine herself in it."

Joe: "There's not enough imagination in the world."

Mike: "Sure there is."

Joe: "What about the Gorilla suit?"

Mike: "You hate the Gorilla suit. You are always complaining about how itchy it is."

Joe: "I"d rather be itchy than wear that."

Mike: "You'd rather be an itchy gorilla than a woman? (pause) What's wrong with women?"

Joe: "Nothings wrong with women. Women are great."

Mike: "You just think it would be embarrassing to be one?"

Joe: "I just . . . I wouldn't make a very good one."

Mike: "You think that Sammy looks good in the Wall Street costume?"

Joe: (thinks a moment) "Damn good actually. She's got that whole Dietrich in pinstripes thing going for her."

Mike: "Bad example. What about when Joe wears the gorilla suit."

Joe: "Nobody looks good in a gorilla suit."

Mike: "I don't know. Maybe Trump would look good in one."

Joe: (laughing) "Could only be an improvement in his case. But he's exception that proves the rule."

Mike: "Well Joe dresses up as a cowboy sometimes too. There aren't any girl cowboys."

Joe: "I saw Gunslinger."

Mike: "The exception that proves the rule."

Joe: "Hey I just said that."

Mike: "Nevertheless."

Joe: "Look it's just different. A Lady Cowboy looks sexy. A Guy Princess looks like a dink. That's just the way it is."

Mike: "So? Anyway, like I said, people who buy costumes will imagine themselves in them, not see you."

Joe: "No they won't. The image of a guy in that costume is too overwhelming." (Looking at the costume) "Can I even fit in this?"

Mike: "Sure. It's mad of some super stretchy space age fabric."

Joe: "We sure have a lot of stuff from the space age considering we've never been there."

Mike: "You've been looking at the internet again, haven't you?"

Joe: "There's this guy who says the Moon Landing was faked in an abandoned Orange Warehouse in central Florida. Had pictures of everything?"

Mike: "Pictures eh? What did it look like."

Joe: "Well an orange warehouse. He didn't get inside."

Mike: (shakes head) "Whatever. This is your job today. Get out there and princess it up."

Joe: "Look this isn't going to sell costumes."

Mike: "You'll get eyeballs. Eyeballs are important"

Joe: "I don't want eyeballs when I'm wearing this outfit."

Mike: "Eyeballs are always good. There's no such thing as bad publicity."

Joe: "You got any other cliches you want to spring on me? I guess I'm lucky you aren't ripping off my lines."

Mike: "Look it's true."

Joe: "A penny earned is a penny saved, maybe?"

Mike:"It goes the other way."

Joe: "What a coincidence. I'm going the other way too!"

Mike: "Oh no you're not. You have a job to do Mister."

Joe: "And yet somehow here I go. I guess a stitch in Time really does make nine."

Mike: "What does that that have to do with anything; you're not making any sense."

Joe: (walking out) "And yet you can't teach an old dog new trips."

Mike: "I didn't want to have to do this, but you know we got a camera in here right?"

Joe: (turns around) "What?"

Mike: (folds arms) "Let's just say I don't have any worries about the costume fitting you."

Joe: "Damn. That's just cold."

Mike: "What was that, Princess?"

Joe: (takes the costume) "Not a word."

Mike: "Of course not, beautiful." (Walks out).

Joe: (shakes head). "Damn Video Cameras." (Looks around) "Hey, wait, there aren't any video cameras!" (Exits speedily).

posted by Bryant @ 4:14 PM

This website does three things

1. I will on a weekly or bi-weekly basis present comedic sketches I have written. Your mileage may vary.

2. I will also be cooking and reporting on recipes I make from the many cookbooks I have. I will be starting with a book of appetizer recipes and moving up from that. I will be reporting here rather than cooking.

3. I also think I will write the occasional feature on comedy or on things I find funny.

If I can I will also provide a weekend radio station of sorts. We'll have to see how that goes.

The title of this blog comes from a song by Simple Minds called "70 Cities as Love Brings the Fall." It is off of an album called Sons and Fascination. Ironically Sons and Fascination was doubled packed with an album called Sister Feelings Call, and I thought, making this site, that the song was from that album. I was, as it turns out, mistaken. The color scheme for this website is taken from Sister Feelings Call, though, and since I think it's a better scheme I don't plan on changing it.

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