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Thursday, November 30, 2006
The Laziest Man in Hollywood
I like this one ok, but I wasted some time trying to figure out how to stretch it. It's a very simple idea that's pretty funny in and of itself, but it didn't lend itself to much length. This could work, trimmed down a little, as part of a weekend update sketch.

Announcer. "Good afternoon. For a long time we have heard James Brown claiming to be the hardest working man in show business, and we have no reason to doubt him. But if he's the hardest working man in show business, the question presents itself - who is the laziest working man in show business? We considered hundreds of musicians, singers, artists, actors, directors, dancers and grips to find the laziest man in show business. After considering dozens, we have settled on Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin, Jr., better known as Charlie Chaplin, the lovable tramp. (Short clip from Modern Times or The Great dictator).

(Scene shoots to graveyard). "Yes, since 1977 Mr. Chaplin has not entertained a single person. Compare that to Elvis Presley, who also died in 1977, but who continues to personally appear to fans and in limited engagements.

(Scene in park with a Chaplin impersonator) "In contrast, Charlie Chaplin relies solely his many impersonators. Yes, some of you might believe that this is Charlie Chaplin, but it is not. In fact this is Milton Marstoff who, 5 days a week, works as a claims adjustor. But, to make ends meet, on the weekends and for parties, he puts on this outfit, adjusts his little mustache, and puts on a show. And yet Mr. Marstoff has never even met Charlie Chaplin, who seems to think it beneath him to meet with a double. And, frankly, Mr. Marstoff could really use some tips. His delivery is hackneyed and weak, and his double takes more like 1.2 takes.

(Back to standing set) "The use of doubles is nothing new. Tom Hanks hasn't performed in public or on film since 1993 (shots of Tom Hanks, natch). But Mr. Hanks keeps in constant contact with his double, a Mister Jacob Lyster, and has taken him to eat at Red Lobster on more than one occasion. Charlie Chaplin takes no such pains, but simply stays in his coffin.

(back at graveyard). "In fact Mr. Chaplin even refused to appear in this segment honoring him, prefering the icy embrace of death to a moment of publicity. Charlie Chaplin is truely a great actor and a brilliant director. He is a transcendent comedian. But he is also the laziest man in Hollywood!"
posted by Bryant @ 6:53 PM  
Sketchy Cooking - Cheese Fritters and Pork Goyozu Dumplings
Time for another installment of sketchy cooking, where, as previously discussed, I am working my way through 10 recipes in The Essential Fingerfood Cookbook.

Our first recipe are Cheese Fritters from the Antipasto Section (if you have the book (which I got for like $10.00 at Borders) it's on page 24). Essentially you take some Mozerella Cheese and Feta Cheese cover it in flour, than eggs, then breadcrumbs. Let it sit for an hour in the fridge (or half hour maybe), then deep fry them. I thought they were ok, but think I will remake them. For one thing I'm not a big fan of Feta Cheese. It's ok in salads and as part of larger recipes, but not very good where it's the star of the show, in my opinon. And the recipee called for them to be made into cubes, which frankly weren't ideal. I think cutting the Mozerella into strips would be better, because then you could dip it into some sort of italian sauce. I made these on my own, so no comments from Caleb.

Our second recipe is for Pork Goyozu Dumplings, from the Eastern Appetizers section (Page 148). First of all I made them with Ground Beef because I couldn't find Ground Pork at publix (except as part of a meatloaf pack, which I considered briefly). Secondly I used Wonton Wrappers rather than Goyozu Wrappers - Goyozu wrappers are round, and the Wontons were square. There might be other differences as well.

They are very labor intesive - although having a dumpling press would make it quicker the book claims. Not by much I say. You take the meat mixture, put it in the wrapper, seal it up, steam them for 10 minutes, then fry them on one side for 2 minutes. Then they are done. I found them a bit bland, but Caleb seemed to really enjoy them. I liked them in a bit of soy sauce, and they might taste good with other sauces as well. I am going to get my hands on some actual Goyozu wrappers if I can and try again, at any rate.

And that's another episode of Sketchy Cooking. Tune in next time when we move from the east to the south (of the border).
posted by Bryant @ 12:27 PM  
Monday, November 27, 2006
This is not my strongest sketch (the best thing about it might be "Flaming Granola Bar-B-Que Sauce." It was one of my first ideas, inspired in part by the Fred Rated commercials that were popular when I was a kid. I found those commercials endlessly amusing and fascinating. Anyway, for what it's worth I see the Agent and Advertiser as woman, but in a rarity, I specifically made the Actor male probably because Fred Rated is male.

(Scene opens, person sits at desks, two more enter a person and a guy - the guy slumps down in his chair expressionless)

Advertiser - (stands up and shakes agents hand) "I'm glad you could come - we have a little problem."

Agent - (shakes hand brightly) "Well solving problems is my middle name. Well middle names, I guess. But as I said on the phone I warned you that Michael can be inconsistent."

Advertiser - (sits down) "Inconsistent? I'd be glad for inconsistent. He's comotouse."

Agent - (sitting down) "Oh come on, that's going a bit far don't you think?"

Advertiser - "A block of wood would perform better than your boy here."

Agent - "Now really. He killed in that artichoke commercial."

Advertiser - "Well I wish I were selling some artichokes. But I'm selling Bar-b-que sauce."

Actor - (flatly) "I like artichokes."

Agent - "You see it's all about enthusiasm."

Advertiser - "Yes but when I'm paying him to get enthusiastic, I don't expect to have to wait around for the enthusiasm to show up. Check this out." (starts video sequence)

Actor - (holding up bottle of Flaming Granola Bar B Que Sauce, speaking flatly, even robotically). "Hello - this is Flaming Granola Bar B Que sauce. I haven't had any but I'm told it's very good by people who like Bar B. Que Sauce. If you like Bar B Que sauce maybe you would like Flaming Granola Bar B Que Sauce. Try it, won't you?" (Ad ends - camera work in ad is a staid one shot, with a dull push in on the last line).

(Pause, as the advertiser tuns off screen and turns back to face the Actor and Agent)

Agent - "I think I see what the problem is."

Advertiser - "You do? Gosh tell me."

Agent - "I think he doesn't like bar-b-que sauce."

Actor - (Vaguely) "Bar-b-que sauce and artichokes don't go together."

Agent - "Do you know of any recipes that you could make with artichokes and that Flaming Bar-B-Que sauce?"

Advertiser - "What?"

Agent - "Well he likes artichokes."

Actor - (Nodding sleepily) "I like Artichokes."

Agent - "Apparently." (Turns to video again) "I happen to have your boys Artichoke commercial here. Let's run it, just to remember what he is capable of."

Actor - (Video shows actor bouncing around a set literally hopping up and down with an artichoke in each hand, yelling) "Artichokes artichokes artichokes Artichokes Artichokes!" (Camera does a push in) "Go get artichokes. Get artichokes now. Get artichokes now! Artichokes, Artichokes!" (cut to him standing somewhere else, saying quietly and maniacally "Artichokes are life. Not artichokes are not life. Artichokes." (another cut to him bouncing again) "Buy Artichokes today. Now!" (More normal voice coming on) "paid for by the Artichoke growers of America."

(Advertiser shuts of the TV and turns back to face Actor and Agent)

Actor - (smiling dreamily) "Artichokes"

Agent - (Matter of fact) "So just come up with something that includes both artichokes and bar-b-que sauce and you'll be all set."

Advertiser (long stare) "I'm curious - what do you plan to do if he ever has to sell soap? Or a car say?"

Agent - (pause) "Well he could eat some artichokes in the car maybe (shakes head) we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

Advertiser - "Does he like anything but artichokes?"

Actor - (smiles) "I like heroin. Do you sell heroin?"

Agent - "He's a little focused, I'll admit. But we can work with that."

Advertiser - "Did he just say heroin?"

Agent - "I'm sure he didn't."

Advertiser - "It sounded like heroin."

Agent - "Look he likes artichokes - why would he want or even think about anything else? You like artichokes, right Michael?"

Actor - (nods) "I like Artichokes."

Advertiser - "Ok that's enough - just get out of here! Get him some damn Flaming Granola Bar-B-Que sauce covered Artichokes and get him back on the set!"

(Actor and agent leave. Advertiser leans back and picks up a report.)

Advertiser - (grumpily to him or herself) "Artichokes" (thoughtfully) "Artichokes?" (Dismissively) "Artichokes."
posted by Bryant @ 1:04 PM  
Monday, November 20, 2006
Sketchy Cooking - Corn and Potato Fritters
Here's the deal - I buy cookbooks. Lots of Cookbooks. And I don't always make many recipes in said cookbooks. So to goad me into making more recipes and to fill up this website, I will be making ten or so recipes from each cookbook and then moving onto the next. The first cookbook is The Essential Fingerfood Cookbook.

It's an attractive cookbook, both inside and out, and the recipes are laid out regionally. The first recipe is "Corn and Potato Fritters," from the Flavours of India section. I have made this recipe three times, and the third time it turned out quite good. The first time I followed the recipe pretty closely, but rather than use my grater to shred them, I used my mandolin to cut them into thin strips - very thin, which I thought would be adequate. I was wrong though; the potatoes on the outside of the fritters tasted fine, but the ones on the interior were undercooked.

My second attempt I got some shredded potatoes in the green bag - already chopped up and cooked - but the fritters didn't stick together very well. I should note that despite these problems they tasted pretty good.

My third attempt last night I made it like a hash rather than fritters. And it turned out quite good. I used the same basic recipe (halved) and made it all in one, and served it with some sun dried tomato sausages. I liked it ok, and so did Caleb, who said it was good but could be a bit spicier - next time i make it I will include some more pepper, possibly a few red pepper flakes. I might also put in some grilled chicken, or spicy sausage.

Anyway that's my first installment - look for another one tomorrow (as I made two recipes last night).
posted by Bryant @ 10:48 AM  
The Lemur Sketch
This sketch was inspired by a discussion of a bone marrow doner drive with a friend (Caleb, for those of you playing along at home). It's dark, but it makes me laugh. It is also a bit Pythonesque, a bit of a ripoff. I didn't intend that, but that's the way it came out. Still, it makes me laugh.

(Scene is an operating room. Leading Mr. Black into the room is an officious person (who we've helpfully named Officious person) in a suit, and in the room already are a doctor and a nurse (who's completely dispensable as he or she has no lines).

Officious Person - "Right this way Mr. Black. And let me say again how much we appreciate your willingness to donate bone marrow."

Mr. Black - "Well it's important to give what one has, I think."

Officious Person - "How right you are. Now as you understand, Dr. Reynolds is going to drug you and then slice you open and we will then slice into your lemur. . ."

Mr. Black - "You mean femur I think."

Officious person - "No I'm quite sure it's lemur. I have the instructions right here."

Mr. Black "What." (Confused, not upset yet)

Officious person - "Between you and me I wish it were a femur - everybody's got one of those. But how many people do you think have lemurs? Took us quite a while to find you."

Mr. Black - "Wait - I think you are making a mistake."

Officious person - "Did you know that humans and chimpanzees are 99% identical? It must be much the same with lemurs."

Mr. Black - "Well I don't even have my lemur here."

Officious person - "Oh don't you worry about that Mr. Black. Terry, Dr. Reynolds other nurse, is at your apartment right now - your landlord was nice enough to let him in. At the right moment I will call him up and give the word."

Mr. Black - "And he'll start drilling into Terrence?"

Officious person - "No he'll start drilling into your lemur. Who's Terrence?"

Mr. Black - "My lemur - I called him Terrence."

Officious person - "That's a silly name for a lemur. If I ever get one, I'll call him Mr. Filthmonger. But I'm not really a lemur person, I suppose."

Mr. Black - "What are you going to do to Terrence."

Officious person - "Well when Dr. Reynolds has you cut open, I am going to call Terry and Terrence will be sliced into quick as a jiff. Dr. Reynolds will have to come out and signal me I'm afraid, as I feel being in the room with you as you are cut into will be very unpleasant."

Mr. Black - "But this is crazy - I don't want anything to happen to happen to Terrence."

Officious person - "I rather felt you might feel this way, and with your feelings in mind, we've already drugged you."

Mr. Black - "What!"

Officious person - "Oh yes. A bit of an extra expense, but that soda I gave you earlier? Was laced with something Dr. Reynolds has assured me will have you sleeping like a log in no time. Still I am out $2.50. Why are hospital vending machines so expensive?"

Mr. Black - "This is insanity."

Officious person - "Oh there's no reason to get dramatic. I'll get reimbursed once I turn in my expenses sheet."

Mr. Black - "No I mean you are going to kill my lemur. It makes no sense."

Officious person - (Sternly) "Do you believe in the rule of law?"

Mr. Black - "What does that have to do with it."

Officious person - "Just answer the question, Mr. Black."

Mr. Black - "I believe in law and order - but that's nothing to do with this. You just read the instructions wrong. Or the person typing them up made an error."

Officious person - "Oh the people who typed this up don't make errors. Ever. After all those very same people selected me for this job, and I can assure you that was no mistake."

Mr. Black - "Doctor Reynolds, come on. You must see what's going on here."

Dr. Reynolds - "I'll admit I was skeptical at first, but at this point, I've sort of bought into it."

Mr. Black - "But surely your medical training . . ."

Dr. Reynolds - "Oh well I have to admit I skipped class the day they were talking about marrow transplants. That was the day Revenge of the Sith came out and I was waiting in line to get tickets. Anyway did you know the genetic code for humans and chimps is 99% identical?"

Mr. Black. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Dr. Reynolds - "Well if those hairy brutes are so close to us, lemurs must not be that much further off, right?"

Mr. Black - "Please Dr. Reynolds. You have to help me here."

Dr. Reynolds - "No that's quite out of the question. I believe in the rule of law."

Mr. Black - (Turning back to the officious person, kind of wobbly) "Don't hurt poor Terrence."

Officious person - "I believe you mean Mr. Filthmonger. No wait, that's my name for a hypothetical lemur. I have to say Mr. Black, you aren't inspiring me to pick up one of those pets. Don't you think you ought to set more of an example?"

Mr. Black - "What?"

Officious person - "I mean it's all very well you telling me that you enjoy having a pet lemur, but all I see is you moaning and crying that we are about to cut him open."

Mr. Black - "Poor Terrence." (Nurse and Dr. Reynolds helps him onto operating table).

Officious person - "At least you can take some comfort in the rule of law, which must guide our actions if we are to succeed. Oh you are unconscious." (Flips out his cell phone). "Yes just letting you know we found a donor for Mr. Gruttlesnup. Oh yes, very generous sort, but a bit of whiner. . . . yes I suppose it was lucky we found this donor at the last moment. Well don't worry Ms. Gruttlesnup will have the marrow he needs within the hour."
posted by Bryant @ 10:47 AM  
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Congressional Basketball
Hopefully this sketch won't be accurate for much longer. Wrote it a couple of weeks ago, and it does certainly seem to reflect the recent past. I didn't take much care to write the senators vocabulary any distinct way. This is another film sketch, in that it'd be hard to do on stage - but not impossible. You only really have two sets - the control booth, and the Democratic Locker Room - so put the two announcers to one side and have most of the stage be the locker room. I might end up rewriting this one to change Lieberman's role slightly - seems like there's some fun to be had there - or maybe a sequel.

Rex : (in box over basketball court): "So far it looks like a blowout here at the annual congressional basketball."

James: (nodding) "You can say that again, Rex. So far the Republicans have scored nearly 200 baskets, adding up to a score of 576, due to Referee Rhenquist's inexplicable decision that Republican baskets count for three.

Rex: "That's right, James. Speaker Pelosi gave him a very harsh look at that point, but there didn't seem to be anything she could do."

James: "Well you never know until you try, and that's just what we haven't seen tonight from the Democratic side of the fence. They have yet to leave the locker room."

Rex: "Except of course Senator Lieberman who has come out several times. He passed the ball to Representative Hastert for basket 143, I believe."

James: "Yes that's right. He's proving a fan favorite with his antics, although many also feel him disloyal and a bit of a showboat. Look he's on his way back to the locker room now, where our man Buck is waiting with Senator Reid. Let's cut to that now."

(Camera switches to Buck standing in a locker room with Senator Reid (or another suitable politician).

Buck: "So tell me, Senator Reid, is this the sort of game you feel that the Democrats should be playing?"

Sen. Reid: "Well I'm very pleased with my teammates and our performance. I think that the American people knows who we are, and they no what we are capable of."

Buck: "How would they know that, Senator?"

Sen. Reid: "By our willingness to stand up for basic American values. Like decency and fairness."

Buck: "I mean how can they see you standing up for basic American values. Since the coin flip you haven't been on the court. If it wasn't for me coming back and interviewing you, they wouldn't even know you existed.

Sen. Reid: "I don't think that's quite fair, son. I admit that the complexities of congressional Basketball are difficult for the lay person to understand at times, but that's why it is so important for us to be out among the people, to get people to understand how we are fighting for them."

(Behind the actors, Lieberman comes in and gathers the team together, and starts gesturing.)

Buck: "I don't know how complex it is. They look at the court and they see the Republicans there and they see you guys aren't there."

Sen. Reid: "It's all part of the strategy. I've been monitoring the game very carefully and I can see that our Republican colleagues are getting very cocky indeed. Why a few minutes ago Representative Ney mooned Helen Thomas. That kind of bad sportsmanship isn't very appealing to the American people." (Looking around). "I see it's time for another strategy session. If you will excuse me Buck." (Lieberman walks back to the group).

Buck: "Let's keep the focus here a moment before returning court side. I am curious as to what this fiery moderate is going to propose to his colleagues." (Camera zooms into the congressional huddle).

Lieberman. "It's time to get on the court, Congress people. I've spoken with the majority leadership, and they feel that there is a very vital role that we can play."

Obama. "Can we make a few baskets?"

Lieberman: "Settle down, Junior. First of all we need to focus on the fundamentals." (Looking around conspiratorially) "I have an idea that just might get us a whole heap of baskets. I don't know if you've noticed but some of our shorter Republican colleagues have a hard time dunking." (Nods all around).

Pelosi: "They look sad trying to dunk."

Lieberman: "Well my plan is this. We go out there and form a human ramp with our bodies. These shorter senators can run up our backs and slam dunk the ball with ease."

Obama: "What?"

Pelosi: "That's Crazy."

Lieberman: "No wait. Hear me out. We do this a few times on their basket - getting them comfortable with the idea of us participating in the game. Then when they least expect us, maybe we turn it around. Trick them into making a few baskets on our basket."

Obama. (Thinking) "It's crazy. But it just might work."

Lieberman: "That's the spirit. Let's get out there and show America what we are made of."

(Congress people stand up doing a ra ra kind of chant as the charge out of the locker room, camera slides back to buck who is shaking his head)

Buck: "Did you get all that? Back up to you Rex and James."

Rex: (Camera switches back to the control room). "Well there's been some excitement on the floor. First of all Tom Delay was kicked out of the game for stealing free Congress Dogs from the concession stand. He hasn't actually left the field because they can't get a replacement, but he's somewhat less effective."

James: (shaking his head). "What a surprising turn of events, but it was topped by Rick Santorum who actually punched several fans in the face for seemingly no reason. He was given a stern reprimand."

Rex: "It's good to see the referees standing firm in the face of Republican bad sportsmanship. Finally Representative Foley was expelled from the game entirely, due to his indiscretions with some of the towel boys. He contended this his bad behavior was due to alcohol and adjourned to the clubhouse bar to consider his misfortune."

James: "Yes it looks like the Republicans have really managed to wound themselves in the last few minutes of this game, just in time for the Democrats to take the court."

Rex: "And here they come, just look how fired up they look as they come charging out of the locker room."

James: (Nodding) "Yes it's really a shame that the game ended a few minutes ago, because I have a feeling these players might have really shown us something impressive."

Rex: "Well you know what they say, James. There's always next year."
posted by Bryant @ 10:57 AM  
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Dr. Doom at Penn State Sketch
This is a film sketch - in that it'd be hard to put on on a stage, without a certain amount of rewriting. If you are thinking of doing that, you might do it as a talk show. Add more dialogue for Doom (Remembering to use Dolt often), and bring the other characters on as walk ons. Also rewriting the ending a bit is encouraged as I don't think it's very strong.

Announcer: (standing on generic college graduation) Graduation. Penn State. 2006. Today's graduating glass has one of the most famous doctors in the world, a doctor who has not, as it turns out, been eligible to call him self doctor. Until today. I'm talking, of course, about Doctor Doom.

Dr. Doom: (Camera cuts to interview with Dr. Doom, interviewer not in the shot). Well I kept getting letters from various meddling fools complaining about my use of the term Doctor when I am not, in fact, a Doctor at all. I tried sending my Doombots out to teach them a lesson, but there were too many of them. So I did a cost benefit analysis and enrolled in Penn State.

Announcer: One of those meddling fools was Dr. Hazelnut, of Cambridge.

Dr. Hazlenut: Yes I visited Dr. Doom in Latveria, on my way to a burial site in Wakanda. It was a little out of my way but I felt it was important that he know how the academic community felt about his misappropriation of the term Doctor. I have also spoken with Doctor Druid about it, who assured me that he was a Doctor, although he could present no credentials to that effect. Of course both Dr. Strange and Dr. Octopus are legitimate Doctors."

Announcer: And how did Dr. Doom respond to you?

Dr. Hazelnut: He's not a Doctor yet.

Announcer: No but he will be.

Dr. Hazelnut: What?

Announcer: When this airs he will be? That's why we are dong this story. This will air after the graduation ceremony.

Dr. Hazelnut: But he's not a doctor now.

Announcer: By the time anybody sees this he will be.

Dr. Hazelnut: (thinking a moment). No I don't get it. He's not a Doctor and you shouldn't call him one.

Announcer: OK, I'll revise my comments. How did (pause) Mister Doom respond to you?

Dr. Hazelnut: Well I can tell you he doesn't like being called Mister Doom.

Announcer: (Vaguely sarcastically) Really?

Dr. Hazelnut: Yes. I still have very little feeling in my right arm. (thinking) Actually maybe we should just call him Doctor.

Announcer: (in a very quick cut to another college campus (or the same one shot from a different angle, what do I care)). This is historic State University, where Dr. Doom went to college, but failed to graduate from, leading to his encounter with Dr. Hazelnut. Ms. Sally Ardenose remembers his days on this campus.

Sally: Oh yes, I remember Victor. Brilliant mind, but lacking in people skills. I remember he called me a demented fool once - that is not the way build lasting friendships. Of course after the accident he fled the school, saying something about there being nothing more that we could teach him.

Announcer: (over pictures of him fighting the Fantastic Four, in his palace, and standing in front of Penn State). Of course Mr. Doom had a long and chequered career after that, tangling with the Fantastic Four, being named dictator of Latveria and so on. Until the day, four years ago, he decided to go for his doctorate in Ethno-Musicology.

Dr. Doom: (camera cuts back to Dr. Doom). Well I love music. I find it helps me ignore the prattling of ignorant dolts.

Announcer: What kind of student is Dr. Doom? His professors see him as a model student.

Dr. Pinksington: "Oh yes, Victor was wonderful. Conscientious and creative, as I like to describe my favorite students. Always made interesting and relevant comments, and was extremely punctual. Except when he was battling the Fantastic Four, of course, but he'd always keep up on the class work so that when he returned to class he could participate in our discussions without problem.

Announcer: "But what about Dr. Doom, the classmate? The dormmate?"

Student 1: "Yeah Doom was cool. He didn't want a roommate so he had to take the room down on the end there."

Student 2. "It's the furthest away from the bathroom - but I don't think he went to the bathroom a lot."

Student 1: "And he never showered."

Announcer: "How do you know that?"

Student 1. "He stank, man. Like three week old bean dip."

Student 2: "Yeah, and not like good bean dip either. Like the kind you buy at 3 in the morning at a gas station and have three bites of before you pass out."

Student 1: (Looking at student 2) "Righteous. Anyway he claimed he had a body filtering system that would keep him clean. The RA complained a few times, but Doom wouldn't budge. He'd just say "Body Filtering, Dolt" and slam the door on Terry's face."

Announcer: "So you'd say Dr. Doom was a difficult person to live with?"

Student 1: "Doom was alright. I mean he wasn't real sociable, but he didn't create any problems either."

Student 2: "He liked hacky sack." (A shot of Doom Playing Hackysack with some students would be good here).

Student 1: "Yeah. He was nuts about it. Was pretty good too, after we talked him out of using his jet pack to give the hack a little oomph, as he put it."

Student 2: (laughing) "Poor Terry went through about 30 hackysacks before we explained that too him."

Student 1: "Terry's a feeb anyway. Oh and Doom was great for dorm pests."

Announcer: "Dorm Pests?"

Student 2: "Yeah like Magazine guys or that kind of stuff. We'd just send them down to Dooms place, tell them he was crazy about Magazines or Jesus or whatever."

Student 1: "They'd crap themselves when he opened the door, and they wouldn't be back, unless they were nuts or something." (Smiles) "Yeah, Doom was pretty cool."

Announcer: "Did he enjoy a social life?"

Student 1: "You mean like dates and stuff? Who wants to go out with three week old bean dip?"

Announcer: (camera shifts to a quite attractive young lady, standing in a quad of some sort) "Meet Beatrice Felstone, who dated Dr. Doom on several occasions."

Beatrice: "Oh yes Victor was a perfect gentleman. I admit his odor was not the most appealing, but when a man is emperor of his own kingdom, you have to make a few allowances."

Announcer: "So what sorts of things did you do on your dates."

Beatrice: "Well Victor was a man of what I like to call classical tastes. He enjoyed concerts, always classical music. He also enjoyed opera, and we had the most enjoyable date at a gallery down town. (giggles slightly) He brought some clip boards and we pretended to be art reviewers."

Announcer: "Did the authorities give you any trouble?" (A shot here from the art museum security files would be good, showing Beatrice and Dr. Doom with clipboards).

Beatrice: "Yes, there was a security guard who questioned Victor, but once he explained about Diplomatic Immunity, the guard left us alone."

Announcer: "Did you ever explore the more physical aspects of your relationship."

Beatrice: "Oh no. I'm afraid that the odor problem was an insurmountable problem there. I recommended he fill his body filtration system with brut, but it was a no go I'm afraid."

Shots of a graduation ceremony - doesn't have to be too big, put Dr. Doom about third in line with the college president reading off names and someone else handing the diplomas. Katherine Uvalia, Michael Vanderkamph, and Victor Von Doom. Camera pans as he walks across and takes his diploma, he waves at the crowd.

Announcer: (Voiceover) "Yes he's not your average student. And yet this continuing education triumph is an inspiration to us all. Even a man who's tried to conquer the world numerous times can, through solid effort and study, get a college degree. America really is the land of opportunity.
posted by Bryant @ 4:21 PM  

This website does three things

1. I will on a weekly or bi-weekly basis present comedic sketches I have written. Your mileage may vary.

2. I will also be cooking and reporting on recipes I make from the many cookbooks I have. I will be starting with a book of appetizer recipes and moving up from that. I will be reporting here rather than cooking.

3. I also think I will write the occasional feature on comedy or on things I find funny.

If I can I will also provide a weekend radio station of sorts. We'll have to see how that goes.

The title of this blog comes from a song by Simple Minds called "70 Cities as Love Brings the Fall." It is off of an album called Sons and Fascination. Ironically Sons and Fascination was doubled packed with an album called Sister Feelings Call, and I thought, making this site, that the song was from that album. I was, as it turns out, mistaken. The color scheme for this website is taken from Sister Feelings Call, though, and since I think it's a better scheme I don't plan on changing it.

About Me

Name: Bryant
Home: Nowhereville, Denial, United States
About Me: Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies. Well that's not strictly true.
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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright

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